Ok, let's see if i can explain this.

The paint on my hood is f#%*'d.

When you look at it in a glare, it looks like there are stains on it. Like splotches of dull areas as if glue or something was on there.

They are all in different shapes and sizes. It's very odd.

My car is black.

This discoloration or dullin or whatever it is does not appear anywhere else so that might rule out sap or whatever else it could be.

Does anyone have any idea what this stuff. Have you seen it? Any thoughts on how to get rid of it?

 

Sound's like contamination from sap, bird crap or mineral rich water.
Since the hood is large and horizontal, it is usually where the damage occurs from these types of things.
Try not to park under trees or allow water to stay on the hood, especially in direct sunlight.

I think you'll have to wet sand to get rid of the stains. If that doesn't work, then a paint job may be in order.
I haven't come across any product that would remove the stains by just washing or buffing.

 

I have the same problem with my Black hood. It appears to be from a bird crapping on the car or hitting a big bug and me not getting it off the car fast enough. I have not found a way to get rid of it. I always have a few coats of zaino on the car too, so that doesn't seem to protect it. I'm just very mindfull of the crap that accumulates on my car when I am driving and take car of it immediately upon getting home.

 

lots of polish, a buffer, and some elbow grease....it happened to me on my black benz with bird crap....it did not completely go away, but with wax on the car, it was not noticeable. also try rubbing compound...that may do the trick too!