Joke of the Day Part III Vintage Style
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 12,901
Likes: 764
From: Clifton, VA
Suicide Counselor
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.
An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."
She didn't jump.
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.
An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."
She didn't jump.
A French man when asked to enter a guilty plea in his necrophilia trial, stated "Not Guilty, your honor". When the judge asked him on what grounds? He stated: "On the grounds that I did not know that she was dead, I thought that she was British".
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 37,396
Likes: 6,303
From: bolton
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 45,737
Likes: 8,262
From: Mish-she-gan
A MALE FAIRYTALE
The End
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess immediately said, "No!"And the Prince lived happily ever after, androde motorcyclesand dated thin,long-legged,full-breasted women, and hunted and fished andraced cars. He went to titty bars anddated ladies half his age anddrank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, andnever heard bitching andnever paid child support or alimony, andated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam andpotato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, andnever got cheated on while he was at work, andall his friends and family thoughthe was friggin' cool as hell, andhe had tons of money in the bank, andleft the toilet seat up.
The Princess immediately said, "No!"And the Prince lived happily ever after, androde motorcyclesand dated thin,long-legged,full-breasted women, and hunted and fished andraced cars. He went to titty bars anddated ladies half his age anddrank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, andnever heard bitching andnever paid child support or alimony, andated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam andpotato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, andnever got cheated on while he was at work, andall his friends and family thoughthe was friggin' cool as hell, andhe had tons of money in the bank, andleft the toilet seat up.
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 8,227
Likes: 77
From: Cincinnati, Ohio
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."