A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man's face differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.

 

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT


The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get any more accurate than that!

 

A fellow walks into a store and inquires of the first employee he sees, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
"If i had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?"
"Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you aske me if I was German?"
"Or if I had asked for Kosher hot dogs would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask me if I was Mexican?"
"Would you? A A Would you?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I had asked for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish when I asked for Polish sausage?"
"Because you are in Home Depot"

 

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought so" he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate for his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need'. "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
"I said, excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are having sex with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"

 

You are an EXTREME Redneck When....
1. You let your 14 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You have been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star -Spangled banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting the wife drunk.

 

A father asked his son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know", the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me"
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There is no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There is no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There is no Santa speech.
If you are going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

 

How to speak Southern

WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

Aig - What a hen lays

Aints - He's got aints in his paints

Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin

Arn - Ma's tard of arnin

Bag - He bagged her to marry him

Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence

Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub - the light bub burned out

Cheer - What you set in

Crick - A small stream

Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon

Chiny - country over in Asia

Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes

Core - He got hisself a new Ford core

Cyow - Animal on Farm

Deppity - He helps out the shurf

Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt

Dainz - Satidy night social

Ellum - A graceful tree

Fanger - What you put your rang on

Faince - Whats round the hawg lot

Far - What get the brandin arn hot

Furred - He got furred from his job

Flar - A rose is a purdy flar

Frash - Them aigs ain't frash

Furiners - All non-'bamans

Further - Hits ten miles further to town

Grain - She was grain with envy

Hail - Where bad folks go

Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n

Hilbilly - People in the next county

Hollar - Whats between the hills

Hard - Got a brend new hard

hand Tar - His core blew a tar

Laymun - A sour fruit

Laig - Most folks have two of them

Lather - What you climb up

Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin

Mailk - what you get from cyows

Mere - What you see your self in

Minners - Live bait

Misrus - Married Woman

Nar - Opposite of wide

Nayk - Your head sets on it

Nup - No

Orrel - Them hinges need orrel

Ormy - What the sojers go in

Pank - A light red color

Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Petition - What separate the rooms

Poke - A paper bag or sack

Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke

Salit - A green vegetable

Puppet - What the preacher is in

Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher

Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig

Rang - You wear it on your fanger

Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts

Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town

Rainch - A big cow farm

Rat - Do it rat now!

Rench - Rench the soap yourself

Roont - She plum roont her shoes

Salary - A stringy vegetable

Soardeens - Small canned fish

Shar - A light rain

Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain

Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody

Pop - A soft drink

Sprang - Water out'n the ground

Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail

Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it

Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death

Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart

Tho - Tho me the ball

Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat

War - A bobbed war fance

Worsh - Go worsh your face

Warter - What you worsh your face in

Yurp - A continent overseas

 

Upon arriving home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Inmediately, the husband drove to the pharmacy to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to breal a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up, I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.
All the time, the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

 

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery morning. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving the daughter, and said, "My penis is frozen solid.
The following day the daughter was driving the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?
The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"

 

The great things my Mom taught me:

My mother taught me about RELIGION
"Pidele a Dios que yo no te agarre"

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Deja que lleguemos a la casa, carajo"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Mal agradecido, cuando yo era chiquita no tenia nada

My mother taught me about logic
"Como que por que? Porque si"

My mother taught me about INSPIRATION
"Si llegas con malas notas te voy a hacer comer la chancleta"

My mother taught me about WISDOM
"Tu crees que te lo sabes todo y no sabes ni limpiarte el culo"

My mother taught me about CONFUSION
"Me cago en la madre que te pario"
(Wait isn't that her?)