An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and -weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well it looks like we are about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."

 

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara dessert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts before and I was wondering if I might see yours?"
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them.? She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you.?
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh, Father, may I touch it?"
The Priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

 

Congrats Stimpy on your one year wedding aniversary.......errr...hold on this is the wrong thread

 

These are some things that people actually said in court, word by word:

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!


Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.


Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us example of something you forgot?


Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.


Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
Witness: Uh, he's twenty.


Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shitting me?


Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uh, I was getting laid!


Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Are you shitting me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or female?
Witness: Guess.


Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?


Attorney: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.


Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh, are you qualified to ask that question?


And the best for last:


Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative.
2. Preliminary.
3. Proliferation.
4. Cinnamon.

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity.
2. Anti-constitutionalistically.
3. Passive-aggressive disorder.
4. Transubstantiate.

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you!
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

 

An eye doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led him blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!
The guests, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:
"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!"

 

IRISH JOKE

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St. Patrick's day.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy"
Paddy replies, "OK, Mick, I'll be on my way then" Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite", he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and have some fresh air he"ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air. Feeling much better, he takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus...I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No fockin' way" He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says,"Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says,"Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how did you know?"
"Mick phoned,... You left your wheelchair at the pub."

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi"
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo" He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important for my health.

 

NEW ORLEANS BAR STORY

At the end of a small, almost deserted bar in New Orleans sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returned to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that before. What did he say to you?
"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job"