Wal-Mart has everything!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

 

 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the
monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipate d.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary
with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed .
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says, "If you behave like this again, you will lose ALL your friends!"



2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Santa, please send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SURE, JUST SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....



3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!"
Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot Forever and Ever'!!!"



4. Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, it's VERY important: once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack, and our driver ran away!"



5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son... now, THAT's confidential!"


6. Anger management?
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

 

Here's one...

The Doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition
that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street ,he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need .. . a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Bill tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly.

As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Bill tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, " How
about some new underwear?" Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit -- $400
New shirt -- $36
New underwear -- $6

Second Opinion -- PRICELESS!