JOKE OF THE DAY
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From: Miami/305
A guy goes into a costume shop.
He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings outa fig leaf.
He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over yourshoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings outa fig leaf.
He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over yourshoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
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From: Stealing Seats
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
MIKI
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
MIKI
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Posts: 3,193
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From: Miami/305
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Renderman, you seem to be the primary poster on this thread. I'm gonna see if I can help you out a little bit.
Flame suit on!!
1.) An old man ask his wife to fill his last wish. He said, "I want you to marry Dan when I'm gone"
Old lady said, " I thought you hated him all your life? "
Old man replied, "I still do!"
2.) A newlywed couple go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, "Please be careful with me
Flame suit on!!1.) An old man ask his wife to fill his last wish. He said, "I want you to marry Dan when I'm gone"
Old lady said, " I thought you hated him all your life? "
Old man replied, "I still do!"
2.) A newlywed couple go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, "Please be careful with me
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Posts: 3,193
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From: Miami/305
Thanks, don't forget I created the thread 
Here's another one....
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service.
Here's another one....
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service.
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From: Miami/305
I'm fine!!
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is
a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her
groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the
scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After
he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and
shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, the smoking gun still in hand,
looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now.... what the hell would you say?"
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is
a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her
groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the
scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After
he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and
shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, the smoking gun still in hand,
looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now.... what the hell would you say?"
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From: Aventura, FL
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,363
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From: Orlando, FL
[QUOTE=MIKI2007,Dec 7 2007, 05:36 PM] A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.