An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

 

Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed, wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest now went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest. "We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

 

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the Currency Exchange window at the local bank.

It was a short line. Just one lady in front of me - an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars who was a little irritated .

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too".

 

There are four people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French F*** again"

 

So a guy walks into a doctor's office.

"D..D..D..Doc, I..I..I.. G..G..Got a P..P..Problem."

"Yes, you certainly do," says the doctor, noticing the obvious stutter. He proceeds to examine the man, and after awhile comes up with a diagnosis.

"You see," says the doctor, "It appears your penis is simply too big and all the blood it is using up is leaving the part of your brain that is applied to speech."

"W..W..Well W..W..What Can I..I..I do?"

"It just so happens we have a new surgery where we take a piece out of the middle, and then attach the front to the back, good as new but smaller."

"O..O..O..O K, I..I..I'll do it."





A week after the surgery the man comes back into to doctor's office, talking really clearly and quite quickly as well.

"Doc, I'm feeling great, see, stutter's gone. It really is a world of difference, don't you think? However now I've got another problem. You see, the wife's been a little disappointed as of late, you know, with the smaller johnson and everthing, so I was thinking about it and... Well do you think its possible for me to have the piece put back in.





The doctor replies, "F....F....F... *ck off!"

 

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers.. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on: There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

 

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."

Mr Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't f*** her."

 

What does Micheal Jackson and Macys have in commen?
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They both have lil BOYS clothes at half off!!!!
**AhahahahaAhahahaha!!!!!****

 

Doorbell rings at an expensive country house, the owner opens the door to find a hobo standing there looking a little the worse for wear. The hobo asks if there are any odd jobs around the house he could do for money or food, and the guy takes pity on him.

"All right, if you go around the back of the house you'll find a couple of cans of paint, use them to paint the porch. Do two nice coats and I'll give you $20 and a hot meal."

Well the hobo is delighted and scurries off to do his duty. Couple of hours later he taps at the door again to claim his meal and money.

"So, how did it go - two coats, right?" asks the owner.

"Yes sir, two coats, and everything went fine. Well except for one thing - I was a bit confused at first."

"So why was that - seems like a simple job?"

"Well, begging your pardon sir, and I'm no expert, but I don't think that's a porch - I believe it's a Ferrari."

 

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull$hit. I gotta go home and f&*k the cat."