A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.

 

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the Captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the Show."Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it ........ the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day.....


and then 2 days...







then 3 days...








Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ......








"OK, I give up. Where's the DAM ship?"

 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well,
Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the
new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the
2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line
is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory
floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the
line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm
sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

 

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to.
So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"
"No." said the boy.
"Why not?" said the judge.
"Because she beats me."
The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."
"Oh no," cried the boy, "he beats me too."
Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the Miami Dolphins!"
"Why?" asks the judge.
"They never beat anybody."

 

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

 

Curiosity killed the cat..

was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and
all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap
in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK LESBIAN THAT ACTS WHITE??































A KLONDIKE---

LMAO

 

This is not much of a Joke but very funny email sent to me


Well, it appears our African
-American friends have found
yet something else
to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be
Sheila Jackson Lee
, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of
hurricanes are all
Caucasian sounding names .

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American
culture such as
Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT
making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in
a 'language' that
street people can understand because one of the problems
that happened in !
New Orleans was==black people couldn't understand the
seriousness of the
situation, due to the racially biased language of the
weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going
to blow at
140mph+, that's too hard to understand!

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

'Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be
headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy
on a crotch rocket!
Bitch! be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins,
grab yo' chirren, leave
yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo free
Shit!'

 

Sexual position 69 is now called 96 due to inflation.
The cost of eating out has gone up!!

 

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba