JOKE OF THE DAY
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From: New Slowmyrna Beach
CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a
virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers
naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs
into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss
anyting you want. You juss ask Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound
experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have
heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he asks her....
'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas??
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a
virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers
naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs
into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss
anyting you want. You juss ask Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound
experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have
heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he asks her....
'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas??
Thread Starter
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
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From: Miami/305
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews in Italy had to convert to Catholicism or leave. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a debate with a religious leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
'I haven't a clue,' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'
'And then what?' asked a woman.
'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
'I haven't a clue,' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'
'And then what?' asked a woman.
'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'
Thread Starter
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From: Miami/305
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Thread Starter
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
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From: Miami/305
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Thread Starter
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
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From: Miami/305
Because the server crashed!
Dear God,
Yesterday was an awful day for me......
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My house has termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
A plane crash landed on my garage,
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!! But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!
Dear God,
Yesterday was an awful day for me......
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My house has termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
A plane crash landed on my garage,
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!! But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!