I used to be the default emergency on-call for anyone that called our helpcenter and got VM. "Press 1 if this is an emergancy, press 2 if..." They never bothered to listen to option 2. If they pressed 1, it would page me to alert me that they left a message. I had 20 mins to pickup the message and call back the client or I would be fired. The company ran 3 shifts 24/7, but the help desk was only staffed 8/5.

3:30am I get a page.

VM Message: Yeah, this is <insert idioic name here, we'll use WSB for this example> I need to know how to change the screen saver on this shared PC that all shifts use.

I call back WSB:

Me: Hello, WSB, I am from the Helpdesk returning your call.
WSB: Yeah, Hi, How do I change my screen saver?
Me: How is this an emergancy?
WSB: It's not, but I just wanted to talk to someone.
Me: We I was asleep, and this isn't an emergancy. <click.>

 

Same job. I get a page at about 3:00pm on a Saturday.

WSB: Hi, my pager doesn't work.
Me: We don't support the pagers, you have to call the paging company.
WSB: But I thought you might have the number for the paging company.
Me: No, I don't use the same company, I have my pager through a different company than you do.
WSB: Well, I found the number in the meantime anyway. Would you like it?
Me: No. <click.>

 

Different job. New user request form: Jane Smith-Jones.

I create the username per our policy: jjones@company.com

Jane: I don't want that to be my username, I am getting a divorce.
Me: OK, I have changed it to jsmith@company.com, and I have left an alias so that if anyone sends mail to the old address you will still get the mail.
Jane: But I don't WANT jones anywhere. I want it gone, remove it completely. Don't you understand I am getting a divorce!?
Me: <click>

 

My favorite of all time:

Tom the technician is assigned the job of inventorying PCs. He must visit all the PCs insert a floppy disk and run a program that scans the machine and puts the results on the network. It takes about 45 secs.

Tom: Excuse me, Miss. I need to inventory your computer. It will just take a minute.
Customer: Should I save all my data and close my applications?
Tom: That won't be necissary.

Tom touches the PC's case and a static charge shuts off the PC. <pew-shhhh>

Tom:

Customer: Where is the document I just spent the last two hours working on?

Tom: Um.... Yeah..... About that...

 

Wear your strap kids. . . especially when dealing with prototypes.

 

A tale from the customer perspective (and my own personal experience...)

-talking to some helpdesk, may have been sprint or DirecTV or Time Warner...

TECHNICIAN SPEAKING BROKEN ENGLISH: so yes sir my name is Bob today and I am helping you today can I have name please?

ME: my name is Corey Hicks.

TECHNICIAN SPEAKING BROKEN ENGLISH: yes okay and what problems are you being experienced by you today?

ME: Look, no offense but can you please transfer me to your supervisor or someone who speaks fluent english?

TECHNICIAN SPEAKING BROKEN ENGLISH: yes sir okay, yes but I speaking english in most fluent today. What is your name sir?

ME: yes, I know you are, but can I PLEASE speak with someone else?

TECHNICIAN SPEAKING BROKEN ENGLISH: yes of course. Mr. Corey Hicks can I please have your name?

ME: you're kidding me, right? click.

 

iRacist

 

not even.

I don't discriminate; I hate everyone who is incompetent regardless of their race, religion or sex.

 

Hicks,

This line isn't parsed correctly. If you could resubmit it as:

'ME> you're kidding me? Right Click for options.'

Along with your change record number, as well as your documents change record number, then I can approve the changes. Thanks.

 

pfft. My IT guy wants me to send a memo to get a job done that he was supposed to do over a year ago. I can't escalate because we already laid him off.