How To Argue

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You, too, can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

Drink Liquor

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

Make Things Up

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."

Use Meaningless But Weighty-Sounding Words and Phrases

Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Use Snappy and Irrelevant Comebacks

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks: You say: "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponent says: "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say: "You're begging the question."

OR

You say: "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponent says: "Liberia is in Africa."
You say: "You're being defensive."


Compare Your Opponent to Adolf Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolph Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolph Hitler."

So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

 

Let me put it this way, you sounded like Adolf Hitler when you said, vis a vis, in a earlier post that "Star Wars sucks." Anyone who knows anything about movies knows that Star Wars was really about a democratic uprising to overthrow a totalitarian regime. Does this sound familiar, Capt. America? In several, well-known patriotic periodicals, Star Wars is cited as a brilliant adaptation of American colonial history. Even Dick Cheney puts it on his all-time favorite movie list for this reason. If you continue with your false and baseless assertion, be prepared to receive a cease and desist letter from the Justice department regarding your felonious use of Capt America as your avatar. Any response other than a retraction of the offensive statement will be viewed simply as you being overly defensive.

 

Let me add three of my favorites:

When someone disagrees, say "Of course, that's what I just said..." He or she will always be speechless for a moment or two. About half the time they will end up believing you.

Or another favorite, "Sounds like you've read one of my books." It doen't matter if you've written any books.

Or the last one, "Isn't that a split-infinitive?" In maybe 200 uses, I've never found anyone that knows a split-infinitive when they see one. This has become a cult joke among my friends.

El Tianti: LOL about your post. Sounds like you've read one of my books...

 

S2KALI,

You're pretty liquored up, aren't you?? (See post above)

Everybody knows that Gene Rodenberry developed Star Wars to be a commentary on the totalitarian Peruvian government!!! And that Mr. Spock was really a transexual.

Didn't you know that?

Man, where have you been?!!!!!!

 

I am sorry but I must disagree with El Tianti on some of the points raised herein .......

Whilst it may be correct to say that the consumption of alcholic beverages may reduce the inhibitions of the person to put forward their case, assessments carried out by the Japanese Institute of Alcoholic Beverage Consumption Studies in 1995, clearly demonstrate that in 86% of cases the consumption of "several large Martini's" would certainly inhibit the abilities of most people to hold a coherent and presuasive conversion let alone be able to win an argument against an opponent that had more than a passing knowledge of a subject ......

 

ROLFLMAO

I was going to try and post a decent reply but I can't compose myself enough to do so.
What else can I say......teach me more master.

 

I only wish I could take credit for this. I found it elsewhere, and felt a need
to share with everyone here.

If I could only figure out why I don't get invited to parties...

 

Damn, and I thought I was going to get a good argument out of you too!!!!!