Joke of the Day, LOL
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 660
Likes: 6
From: Madison
Here are a few PIRATE jokes:
Did you hear about the new pirate movie...?
It's rated...... ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! (cover you eye hinting an eye patch)
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A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks him why does he have a steering wheel in his lap.....
The pirate says "it's driving me NUTS!!!!"
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Did you hear about the new pirate movie...?
It's rated...... ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! (cover you eye hinting an eye patch)
-----------------------------------
A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks him why does he have a steering wheel in his lap.....
The pirate says "it's driving me NUTS!!!!"
-----------------------------------
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 318
Likes: 0
From: Bay Area
When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again, "How much of a wait?" The woman looked up from her book and said, "About ten minutes."
A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is now ready."
A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is now ready."
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 318
Likes: 0
From: Bay Area
One day I was reading a newspaper. On page two was a picture of a famous politician and his gorgeous wife.
Slightly jealous of the politician, I turned to my wife and said, "It's unfair that the biggest jerks in the world catch the most beautiful wives."
My wife smiled and replied, "Why, thank you dear."
Slightly jealous of the politician, I turned to my wife and said, "It's unfair that the biggest jerks in the world catch the most beautiful wives."
My wife smiled and replied, "Why, thank you dear."
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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 318
Likes: 0
From: Bay Area
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that 'I' am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert after- ward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The f***ing funeral director," said his wife.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that 'I' am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert after- ward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The f***ing funeral director," said his wife.
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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 318
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From: Bay Area
Disorder in the Court
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 45,172
Likes: 4,089
From: Arlington, VA
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very, very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use soft hole in tree trunk." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer to get a better look, got an enormous erection and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels."
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 45,172
Likes: 4,089
From: Arlington, VA
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her first-grade class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than...............punch a 5th grader
Strike while the ....................bug is close
It's always darkest before...........Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of.....termites
You can lead a horse to water but....how?
Don't bite the hand that.............looks dirty
No news is...........................impossible
A miss is as good as a...............Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.......math
If you lie with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
Love all, trust......................me
The pen is mightier than the.........pigs
An idle mind is......................the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's..........pollution
Happy the bride who..................gets all the presents
A penny saved is.....................not much
Two's company, three's...............the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose
None are so blind as.................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not......spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed........get new batteries
You get out of something what you....see pictured on the box When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way
And the favorite...
Better late than.....................pregnant
Better to be safe than...............punch a 5th grader
Strike while the ....................bug is close
It's always darkest before...........Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of.....termites
You can lead a horse to water but....how?
Don't bite the hand that.............looks dirty
No news is...........................impossible
A miss is as good as a...............Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.......math
If you lie with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning
Love all, trust......................me
The pen is mightier than the.........pigs
An idle mind is......................the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's..........pollution
Happy the bride who..................gets all the presents
A penny saved is.....................not much
Two's company, three's...............the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose
None are so blind as.................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not......spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed........get new batteries
You get out of something what you....see pictured on the box When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way
And the favorite...
Better late than.....................pregnant
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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 318
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From: Bay Area
The Navigator
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."