A guy is going bear hunting in the woods. Suddenly, he sees a big bear, he shoots, the bear drops and he runs up to the place. There's no bear there. He feels a big tapping on his shoulder. He turns around and it's the bear. The bear says, "I'm going to rip you to shreds or you can blow me." The guy thinks, "Oh my God." And he blows the bear. A week later he comes back thinking, "I'm going to get revenge on that damn bear." He sees the bear in the woods, he shoots, the bear drops and he runs up to the spot. The bear's gone. He feels the tapping on his shoulder. He turns around and the bear says, "You know the deal, you either blow me or I'll kill you." The guy blows the bear. A week later the guy comes back thinking, "I'm going to kill that damn bear if it's the last thing that I do." He sees the bear, he shoots, the bear drops and he runs up to the spot." The bear's gone. Suddenly, he feels a tapping on his shoulder. He turns around. The bear says, "You don't come here to hunt, do you?"

 

Two flies are sitting on a piece of sh--. One fly farts. The other one says, "Do you mind? I'm trying to eat."

 

A little girl says to her mother, "Mommy I saw you and Daddy in the bedroom today." And the mother says, "Oh honey, that's how you get babies." The little girl replies, "But Mommy, you had Daddy's pee-pee in your mouth." And the mother says, "Oh honey, that's how you get jewelry."

 

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:

"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".

The surprised salesman replies:

"But, madam, computers do not have curtains"!!!....

And the blonde said:

"Helloooo....??! I've got Windows"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

A police officer pulls over a man for speeding.
"May I see your driver's license?"
"I don't have one," the driver replies.
"It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

The officer takes a deep breath.
"Then may I see the registration card for this vehicle?"
"I don't have it. The car is stolen."
"This car is stolen?" the officer asks.
"That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

"There's a gun in the glove box?"
"Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I killed the woman who owns this car and put her body in the trunk."
"There's a BODY in the TRUNK?"
"Yes, sir."

"OK, get out of the car now" he says, drawing his gun.
"Don't you think you'd better call for a backup? There's no telling what else may happen here."
"Good idea," the policeman replied. Within two minutes, three other police cars arrive. A captain quickly gets out of one car to handle the tense situation.

"Sir, may I see your license?" the captain asks.
"Sure, here it is," the driver replies, handing over a valid license.
The captain looks at it and raises an eyebrow.
"Whose car is this?" the captain asks.
"It's mine, officer," the man replies.
"Do you want to see the registration?"
"I want you to slowly open your glove compartment so I can see if there's a gun in it," replies the captain.
"Yes, sir, but there's no gun in there."

Sure enough, there was nothing except the registration in
the glove compartment.
"Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."
"No problem." He pops the trunk is open. Of course, no body.
"The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a
license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Why would he tell me this?"
"He's a lying bastard. He probably told you that I was speeding, too."

 

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,"Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in, the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." The teacher said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed. The teacher asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Johnny in the fifth grade; I missed the last four questions myself."

 

Traffic Violation


When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.

The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write: 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!!"

 

Prodigal Son in Key of F


Feeling footloose and frisky, a featherbrained fellow forced his fond father to fork over his farthings. He flew far to foreign fields and frittered his fortune, feasting fabulously with faithless friends.

Finally facing famine and fleeced by his fellows-in-folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famished, he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments.

"Fooey, my father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing facts.

Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding, he fled forthwith to his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly, "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor."

But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.

The fugitive's fraternal faultfinder frowned on the fickle forgiveness of former folderol. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile.

The farsighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivity for the fugitive is found. Unfurl the flags with flaring, let fun and frolic freely flow. Former failure is forgotten, folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortune."

 

Amazing Memory

One day a guy on a vacation heard of an Indian with an amazing memory, so he decided to visit the Indian and see what the big deal was.

He went to the Indian and asked him, "What did you eat for breakfast on July 2, 1961?"

The Indian replied, "Eggs."

The same man came back 10 years later to see the Indian again. He greeted him by saying, "How."

The Indian said, "Fried."

 

Nice Guy

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"