Good stuff!

 

Sometimes, Stories r better than quickies...


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Waston the Metoerologist go on a camping trip together. Shortly after setting up their tent, they fall asleep. Sherlock Holmes wakes up and looks up at the dark sky. He's checkin out the stars! then starts thinkin to himself, "Thats odd." He looks over at Dr. Watson and wakes him up. "Dr. Watson," he says, "you see them stars up there?" Dr. Watcon replies, "well ya sure, of coarse I do." Holmes looks at him sarcastically and says, "Well what does that tell you?" Watson looks up and ponders. Then replies "that tells me that there are billions of planets up there, possibly thousands of galaxies. Astronomically speaking, it tells me that Saturn is in the middle of the Big Dipper, so it must be 3:00 in the morning. It also tells me that there is a high possibility that we should see great weather tomorrow! Why Sherlock, what does that tell you?"
Sherlock Holmes smerks and says, "Tells me that someone stole our ****in tent!"

~Ry


and yes, i had to bring this thread back

 

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said "Its golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

LESBONICS

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? ....
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ...
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? ...
Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? .
A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? ....
Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? ...
She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? ....
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins? ....
Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion? ...
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.

13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?
100 people that don't do dick .

 

KENNY - every parent's dream child......................

I like this kid!!!

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little KENNY .

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little KENNY says, "I have! a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little KENNY replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."


LITTLE KENNY ON MATH (Part 2)


Little KENNY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3,'" I said "6", replies Kenny.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3 x 2?'"

"What's the f..... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


LITTLE KENNY ON ENGLISH



Little KENNY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

KENNY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little KENNY, that's a mouthful."

Little KENNY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR


Little KENNY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, KENNY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little KENNY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a TEN!"


LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little KENNY .

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"



LITTLE KENNY ON GETTING OLDER


Little KENNY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little KENNY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"



Little KENNY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.

 

A guy is out of town on business. The morning after the night he arrived, he is looking at himself in the mirror in his hotel room as he's shaving and thinks to himself "I really need a haircut. I better take care of that before my big meeting this morning." He asks the hotel concierge if there's a barber on the premises. The concierge says no but says "There's an automatic haircut machine down that arcade. I think you'll like it." So he wanders down the arcade until he sees a large metal box with a head-sized hole in the front and a sign that reads "Automatic haircut -- $10." He puts $10 in the slot and sticks his head in the hole. Little high speed snippers trim his hair: snip, snip, snip. Then a jet of warm air blows away the loose hair: woosh and a little mechanical arm with a comb proceeds to comb his hair. he pulls his head out and a little mirror pops out. He looks in the mirror -- the best haircut he's ever had in his life.

He continues down the arcade and comes to another metal box with a hole in front at the bottom and a sign that reads "Automatic shoe shine -- $3." He puts $3 in the slot and sticks his shoes in the hole. A little mechanical arm with an applicator pad applies shoe polish. Then little high speed brushes buff out his shoes: whirr. He pulls his shoes out -- the best shoe shine he's ever had in his life. He can see his reflection in his shoes.

He continues down the arcade and comes to another large metal box with a waist-high hole in front and a sign that reads "What every man needs the most when he is away from his wife -- $15." He looks around, doesn't see anyone, unzips his fly, pulls his pecker out, puts $15 in the slot, and sticks his pecker in the hole. Then he lets out a Godawful, bloodcurdling scream. 10 seconds later the machine releases his pecker..........with a button sewn on it!

 

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

i just got laid, its going to take a few minutes before i get hard.