Joke of the Day, LOL
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 45,172
Likes: 4,089
From: Arlington, VA
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle age couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having any sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The middle aged man replies, "The first week wasn't too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple nights, but yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church" said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"Well my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust, and I took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcomed in our church?" stated the pastor.
"That's OK" said the young man, "We're not welcomed at Giant Food anymore either."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The middle aged man replies, "The first week wasn't too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple nights, but yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church" said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"Well my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust, and I took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcomed in our church?" stated the pastor.
"That's OK" said the young man, "We're not welcomed at Giant Food anymore either."
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 45,172
Likes: 4,089
From: Arlington, VA
One more for today...
One day Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I
guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine,and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks......."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis:
**Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
**Your dog has ringworms. Bathe him with
anti-fungal shampoo.
**Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
**Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer.
**And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
One day Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I
guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine,and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks......."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis:
**Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
**Your dog has ringworms. Bathe him with
anti-fungal shampoo.
**Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
**Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer.
**And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 45,172
Likes: 4,089
From: Arlington, VA
This must be elderly medical day...LOL
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he
accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking
in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
"Exactly."
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he
accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking
in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
"Exactly."
Registered User
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,260
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From: Tree Town
A pirate hobbles into a bar looking very uncomfortable. The bartender notices the strange pirate and spots a steering wheel hanging out of the pirate's pants!
As the pirate nears the bar, the bartender leans over and says "excuse me sir, do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate replies "Yar! It's driving me nuts!"
As the pirate nears the bar, the bartender leans over and says "excuse me sir, do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate replies "Yar! It's driving me nuts!"
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 45,172
Likes: 4,089
From: Arlington, VA
OK...a start to the new week.
A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face. "We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high-tech procedure called "The Knob".
"What is the Knob?", she asked. "It is a procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again."
"Oh, yes! this is what I would like to have", she replied excitedly. The operation was a complete success and she looked 15 years younger.
As time passed, when she would notice new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and voila! her face was again beautiful.
One day about 8 years later, she woke up one morning and saw very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she called her doctor and reported the bags. "You had better get right over and let me check this out!" the doctor replied.
After examining her, he said "the bags under your eyes are your breasts".....to which she said "well, I guess that explains the goatee!"
A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face. "We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high-tech procedure called "The Knob".
"What is the Knob?", she asked. "It is a procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again."
"Oh, yes! this is what I would like to have", she replied excitedly. The operation was a complete success and she looked 15 years younger.
As time passed, when she would notice new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and voila! her face was again beautiful.
One day about 8 years later, she woke up one morning and saw very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she called her doctor and reported the bags. "You had better get right over and let me check this out!" the doctor replied.
After examining her, he said "the bags under your eyes are your breasts".....to which she said "well, I guess that explains the goatee!"
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 45,172
Likes: 4,089
From: Arlington, VA
Another one...
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want
the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait
to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want
the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait
to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 45,172
Likes: 4,089
From: Arlington, VA
OK...last one for today. Enjoy.
A man gets on a plane, and takes his seat. He settles in, glances up - The most beautiful woman he has ever seen is boarding the plane. He realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Sure enough, she takes the seat right beside his. Hoping to strike up a conversation, he blurts out - "So where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago." He is instantly CRAZED with excitement. The most gorgeous woman he's ever seen is sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his cool, he asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average. "Very interesting," the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says. "I feel so awkward discussing this with you and I don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto...Tonto Goldstein."
A man gets on a plane, and takes his seat. He settles in, glances up - The most beautiful woman he has ever seen is boarding the plane. He realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Sure enough, she takes the seat right beside his. Hoping to strike up a conversation, he blurts out - "So where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago." He is instantly CRAZED with excitement. The most gorgeous woman he's ever seen is sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his cool, he asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average. "Very interesting," the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says. "I feel so awkward discussing this with you and I don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto...Tonto Goldstein."
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,206
Likes: 0
From: Parsippany
Car Acronyms
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Found On Russian Dump
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover
Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Found On Russian Dump
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover
Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,206
Likes: 0
From: Parsippany
Three Quickies...
How can you tell what clan a Scotsman is from?
Look under his kilt. If he has a quarter-pounder, he's a McDonald!
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?"
There's a train with four people in one car: A Russian guy, a Japanese guy, an American, and the American's lawyer. The Russian says "In Russia, we have so much Vodka, we can afford to throw it away" and he tosses his bottle of Vodka out the window.
The Japanese guy says "In Japan, we make so many electronic devices, we can just throw them away" and he tosses his laptop out the window.
The american stands up and throws his lawyer out the window.
How can you tell what clan a Scotsman is from?
Look under his kilt. If he has a quarter-pounder, he's a McDonald!
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?"
There's a train with four people in one car: A Russian guy, a Japanese guy, an American, and the American's lawyer. The Russian says "In Russia, we have so much Vodka, we can afford to throw it away" and he tosses his bottle of Vodka out the window.
The Japanese guy says "In Japan, we make so many electronic devices, we can just throw them away" and he tosses his laptop out the window.
The american stands up and throws his lawyer out the window.