A list of surefire Country Western hits:


All I Want From You (Is Away)

All My Exes Live in Texas

Beauty's in the Eye of the Beerholder

Bubba Shot the Jukebox

Did I Shave My Legs for This?

Don't Put Me in the Ex-Files

Don't Squeeze My Sharmon

Get Your Biscuits in the Oven,
and Your Buns in the Bed

Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

He Can't Talk Without His Hands

Heaven's Just a Sin Away

Here's a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody but Me?

I Bought the Shoes That Just Walked Out on Me

I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself
or Go Bowling

I Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Bed Crying on
My Pillow Over You

I Got You on My Conscience but at Least You're Off My
Back

I Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

I Left Something Turned On at Home

I May Be Used, but Baby I Ain't Used Up

I Wanted You to Leave Until You Left Me

I Would Have Wrote You a Letter,
but I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

I'd Rather Be Picked Up Here Than Put Down at Home

I'd Rather Pass Another Kidney Stone Than Another
Night With You

If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin, Wonder Whose I'd
Find on You

If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It

If the Jukebox Took Teardrops

If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me

If Whiskey Were a Woman, I'd Be Married for Sure

If You Can't Bite, Don't Growl

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

I'll Give You Something to Drink About

I'll Marry You Tomorrow, but Let's Honeymoon Tonight

I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home

I'm Here to Get My Baby Out of Jail

I'm the Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

It Only Takes One Bar (to Make a Prison)

I've Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart

I've Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost
Corral

Lay Something on My Bed Besides a Blanket

Let's Do Something Cheap and Superficial

Make Me Late for Work Today

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do
Miss Him

Pardon Me, I've Got Someone to Kill

Queen of My Double-Wide Trailer

Redneck Martians Stole My Baby

Remember to Remind Me I'm Leavin'

Savin' the Honey for the Honeymoon

She Feels Like a New Man Tonight

She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

She's Actin' Single . . . I'm Drinkin' Doubles

Shut Up and Talk to Me

Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone

The Chick's Too Young to Fry

The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me)

The Pint of No Return

There's a Tear in My Beer

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

Venom Wearin' Denim

Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking
in

We Never Killed Each Other (but Didn't We Try)?

Who's Gonna Mow Your Grass?

Who's Gonna Take the Garbage Out

When I'm Dead and Gone?

Why Did You Leave the One You Left Me For?

You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too

Your Alibi Called Today

Your Coffee's on the Table but Your Sugar's Out the
Door

Your Negligee Has Turned to Flannel Nightgowns

You're a Hard Dog to Keep Under the Porch

You're Going to Ruin My Bad Reputation

You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

 

Always give 100% at work...

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And remember...

When you're having a really bad day and it seems like
people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes
42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger
and flip them off.

Now get back to work!

 

Mr. Gorsky

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions.

But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

 

Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

 

Tiny Bikini
A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. She asked, "What do you think mom?"
Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

 

The Divorce Lawyer


A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer and business has been slow," the man replies.

 

Cell Phone


A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who's phone is this?"

 

Dog's Diary, Cat's Diary

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:

Day number 180
8:00 A.M. - OH BOY!

 

Best headlines of the last few years:

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
23. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout counter.
24. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 

World's shortest blues song:
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

I opened a veterinary clinic next door to a dentist's office. Afterward I received a card from my neighbor signed, "From someone who treats canines to another."

It's no use having a good memory unless you have something good to remember.

My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out.

There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman

Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

First National Bank of Dad. Sorry, Closed.

Don't drink and drive. Instead, the next time you get too drunk to drive, walk into a local Domino's and order a pizza. Then when they go to deliver it, ask for a ride home.

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress. - Ronald Reagan

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

If you don't know where you are going, you can never get lost. - Herb Cohen

The American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour.

When I finished school, I took one of those career aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime. - Tim Cavanagh

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him the checkbook.

A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.

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