If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is my new retirement program, I call it my 401-Keg program.

 

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?

 

A priest in a village is giving his sermon one day, and at the end of the sermon, he asks that when people come to confession to confess about adultry, he requests that they say they have "fallen". The people in this town are really bad bad people, so this is not uncommon for them.

A NEW priest comes to town a few years later, and now the towns people are in the habit of saying they have "fallen". After a few weeks, the priest goes to the mayor of the city, and the following conversation ensues:

P: Mayor, i think you really need to do something about your sidewalks in this town.

M: Why, what seems to be the problem?

P: Well, people keep coming to me and confessing about falling!!!

M: Laughing uncontrollably, and falls out of his chair....

P: I dont see why your laughing, this is really not funny, Your wife fell three times last week alone!

 

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who's not a creep

One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who's loves to listen long

One who thinks before he speaks
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks

I pray that he is gainfully employed
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed

Pulls out my chair and opens my door
Massages my back and begs to do more

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind
Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me no end
And never attempt to hit on my friend

Amen.


MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat.

Amen.

 

anyone, anyone?

Jason

 

ok....i'M DOING THIS ONE BY MEMORY, SO FORGIVE ME IF i SAY IT A BIT OFF:

oops sorry bout the caps

One day, Little Red RidingHood was walking through the woods to Grandma's House. Along the way, she spotted The Big Bad Wolf. He was crouched behind a bush.

Little Red RidingHood says to the Wolf, "My....what big ears you have!!!"

The Wolf jumps up and runs off.

Little Red RidingHood continues on her way, and a mile down the path, she comes across the Big Bad Wolf again crouching behind another bush.

Little Red RidingHood says to the Wolf, "My...what big eyes you have!!!"

The Wolf jumps up and runs off again.

Little Red RidingHood continues on her way, and about 2 miles down the path, she comes across the Big Bad Wolf again crouching behind yet another bush.

Little Red RidingHood says to the Wolf, "My...what big teeth you have!!!"

The Wolf jumps up and says, "Would you leave me alone?!? I'm trying to take a SH!T!!!"

 

FUNNY SIGNS


Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence: "Salesman Welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

At the Electric Company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."

 

A man was complaining to his coworker about a terrible headache he was experiencing. The coworker said, "When I have a bad headache, I just lay my head on my girlfriend's bosom for a while, and it goes away. You really should try it."
The next day, the man with the headache said to his coworker, "You know, your advice about how to get rid of my headache was great! After work last night, I did just exactly what you said, and my headache disappeared after just a little while! Oh, by the way, your girlfriend has a really nice apartment!"

 

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

 

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."