A woman walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady says, "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says he druggist.

The woman then reaches into her purse, pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position and shows it to the druggist. The druggist is shocked to see that the woman in the photo is his own wife, and the man is the woman's husband.

The druggist looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"

 

Good questions:

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your @ss?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of this fine young specimen.

"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of?"

"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.

"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.

"Sir?"

"Your name. Penus Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."

"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."

"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."

"Then I bid you farewell-my name will not change." With that, Penus Van
Lesbian left the agent's office never to return.

Five Years Later...

The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter:

Dear Sir:

Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penus Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office.

However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advise and endeavored to
change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to
millions worldwide. Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.

Very Sincerely Yours,

Dick Van Dyke

 

3 dogs went to the vet and meanwhile they were waiting, the conversation was:

1st dog - why are you here?

2nd dog - to treat my breath as each time my onwer comes to me, I always kiss her and last time she almost drop dead with the smell.
And you?

1st dog - well, i'm here because i'm to nervous, i can't stop and i'm destroying everything at the house.
Then looking for the other one, asked "and you"?

3rd dog - i'm here just to cut my nails. You know, yesterday meanwhile my onwer was preparing her bath, she just dropped the shampoo and when I saw her in that position, I just run and..........can you imagine her backside

 

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the
local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm
went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire
for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire
chief and said,
"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of
the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine
company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to
strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of
attacking
the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine
company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the
distance a
long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was
a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.

To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the
chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the
inferno.
In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped
off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had
never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the
chemical company president announced that he would double the
reward to $200,000
and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.
After thanking each of the old men individually, the president
asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.
The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said,

"The first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that truck!"

 

From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story
of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to
have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his
wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there
in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near
the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in
shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly
public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully
stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked
everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and
found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head!

 

OK...Mon again.

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five good leads," says Tommy.

 

Gentle Thoughts For The Day

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how
nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing
at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because
by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to
buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met
everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone
in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell
when he's really in trouble.