"How To" Perfect Marriage

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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, "What a
peaceful and loving couple."

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long
and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained
the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead."

I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she
looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

And we lived happily ever after.

 

Blonde Jokes

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Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his Work
has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go round. Just because I am female doesn't mean that I'm automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him, just what his fast talking sales guy had
told me last year. . . "that in one year the windows would pay for
themselves".

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I
haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.
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A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?" asked the blonde.

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
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There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section. A flight attendant realizes the blonde's mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won't move. All she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won't move. All she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde's ear.

Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.

They ask him and he says, "Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn't going to New York!"
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Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house. Becky who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her
shoulder or nail it ! in. Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"Becky explained,"When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!."
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here
and help
me...
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get
it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's
finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the
puzzle box,
it's a
tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle.
She
lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all
over
the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and
says,
First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to
assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He held her hand
softly, led
her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax.
Let's
have a
cup of coffee, and then.... "He sighed, "let's put all these
Frosted
Flakes
back in the box."
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A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
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A female blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman cop who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she asked. The cop replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the cop."Here it is," she said. The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

Don't jump to conclusions

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A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

 

Man, you just posted all the jokes I received by email for the last two years.

 

thanks! i enjoyed most of them!

 

thanks! i enjoyed most of them!

 

Those were funny

 

that made a few hours go by nicely at work.

 

I actually heard that Lorena Bobbit got into a car accident two or three days ago.
Some dick cut her off.

 

This is awesome!