Joke of the Day, LOL
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Joined: Jun 2002
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Yo mama's so FAT:
she don't take pictures, she takes posters
her baby pictures were taken by satellite
a picture of her would fall off the wall
she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us
she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out
she uses a hula hoop to hold up her socks
she puts on her belt with a boomerang
she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
when you get on top of her your ears pop
when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
the highway patrol made her wear "Caution Wide Turn"
when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo
she fell in love and broke it
she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon
even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction
she wakes up in sections
when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck
she's on both sides of the family
everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil
she fell and made the Grand Canyon
she has to use a VCR as a beeper
she broke her leg, and gravy poured out
they have to grease the bath tub to get her out
she influences the tides
she stands in two time zones
she cant tie her own shoes
she cant reach her back pocket
that she would have been in ET, but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse
they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through tunnel when they want to clean it
she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth
she stepped on a talking scale and it said @#**&^%
she wears a watch on each arm One for each time zone
after she gets through turning around, they throw her a welcome back party
when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up
she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
her favorite dress is a tent
she left home with high heels, she came back with flip-flops
she has to iron her pants on the driveway
she needs a building permit for her girdle
she has to put on lipstick with a paint-roller
she needed her ears pierced with a harpoon
when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose
when she steps on a scale, it reads "One at a time, please"
when she steps on a scale, it says "To be continued"
when she steps on a scale, it says "I don't do livestock"
the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale
the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs
when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight
she has her own zip code
the phone company gave her two area codes
people jog around her for exercise
when she wears a yellow raincoat, folks run after her yelling "TAXI"
when she wears a Malcom X shirt, helicopters try to land on her
she shows up on radar
when she goes to a restaurant, she looks at a menu and goes, "Okay"
when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the "Thank You, Come Again"
when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate
when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said "Sorry, we don't do curtains"
when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them
when she goes to the beach, the kids yell, "Free Willy"
the difference between her and Moby Dick is about three pounds
when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun
when she sits at the beach, Greenpeace tries to tow her back into the ocean
when she sits in front of the "Hollywood" sign, you can only see the "H" and the "D"
she was Miss Arizona -- class battleship
she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book
her senior picture had to be an aerial view
she has to fly cargo class
she has to wear a sock on each toe
she's got shock absorbers on her toilet seat
the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts
she needs to put a bookmark in her folds to find her belly button
when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas
she sells shade in the summer
cows graze by her for the shade
when she went to the zoo, the elephants threw peanuts at her
she got on an airplane and only the wings took off
she could be the eighth continent
she farted and put herself into an orbit
I have to roll her over twice to get her on her back
the only thing attracted to her is gravity
small objects tend to orbit her
her belly button's got an echo
she don't take pictures, she takes posters
her baby pictures were taken by satellite
a picture of her would fall off the wall
she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us
she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out
she uses a hula hoop to hold up her socks
she puts on her belt with a boomerang
she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
when you get on top of her your ears pop
when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
the highway patrol made her wear "Caution Wide Turn"
when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo
she fell in love and broke it
she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon
even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction
she wakes up in sections
when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck
she's on both sides of the family
everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil
she fell and made the Grand Canyon
she has to use a VCR as a beeper
she broke her leg, and gravy poured out
they have to grease the bath tub to get her out
she influences the tides
she stands in two time zones
she cant tie her own shoes
she cant reach her back pocket
that she would have been in ET, but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse
they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through tunnel when they want to clean it
she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth
she stepped on a talking scale and it said @#**&^%
she wears a watch on each arm One for each time zone
after she gets through turning around, they throw her a welcome back party
when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up
she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
her favorite dress is a tent
she left home with high heels, she came back with flip-flops
she has to iron her pants on the driveway
she needs a building permit for her girdle
she has to put on lipstick with a paint-roller
she needed her ears pierced with a harpoon
when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose
when she steps on a scale, it reads "One at a time, please"
when she steps on a scale, it says "To be continued"
when she steps on a scale, it says "I don't do livestock"
the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale
the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs
when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight
she has her own zip code
the phone company gave her two area codes
people jog around her for exercise
when she wears a yellow raincoat, folks run after her yelling "TAXI"
when she wears a Malcom X shirt, helicopters try to land on her
she shows up on radar
when she goes to a restaurant, she looks at a menu and goes, "Okay"
when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the "Thank You, Come Again"
when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate
when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said "Sorry, we don't do curtains"
when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them
when she goes to the beach, the kids yell, "Free Willy"
the difference between her and Moby Dick is about three pounds
when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun
when she sits at the beach, Greenpeace tries to tow her back into the ocean
when she sits in front of the "Hollywood" sign, you can only see the "H" and the "D"
she was Miss Arizona -- class battleship
she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book
her senior picture had to be an aerial view
she has to fly cargo class
she has to wear a sock on each toe
she's got shock absorbers on her toilet seat
the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts
she needs to put a bookmark in her folds to find her belly button
when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas
she sells shade in the summer
cows graze by her for the shade
when she went to the zoo, the elephants threw peanuts at her
she got on an airplane and only the wings took off
she could be the eighth continent
she farted and put herself into an orbit
I have to roll her over twice to get her on her back
the only thing attracted to her is gravity
small objects tend to orbit her
her belly button's got an echo
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 638
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Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start?"
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start?"
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 638
Likes: 0
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11th.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11th.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 638
Likes: 0
15 Fun things to do at walmart
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Get 24 boxes of c**doms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off
at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor from
the hunting department to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an
official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,'...and see what
happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of
M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell
other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they
bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin
to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera and use it
as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department
ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants
are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna
look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse
through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker,
assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's
those voices again'.
And last but not least,
15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly
... 'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Get 24 boxes of c**doms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off
at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor from
the hunting department to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an
official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,'...and see what
happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of
M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell
other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they
bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin
to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera and use it
as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department
ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants
are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna
look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse
through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker,
assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's
those voices again'.
And last but not least,
15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly
... 'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 638
Likes: 0
Real Court Quotes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've
decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send
her a few bucks myself."
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
_
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
you've forgotten?
_
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up That morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Would you repeat that question, please?
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
_
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: I resent that question.
_
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him.
_
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've
decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send
her a few bucks myself."
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
_
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
you've forgotten?
_
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up That morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Would you repeat that question, please?
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
_
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: I resent that question.
_
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him.
_
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 638
Likes: 0
True Doctor Stories
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that
there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
* * * * * * * * * * * *
One day, I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
* * * * * * * * * * *
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now, I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
* * * * * * * * * * *
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I, then, asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
And Finally . . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassedhim. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was,
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that
there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
* * * * * * * * * * * *
One day, I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
* * * * * * * * * * *
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now, I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
* * * * * * * * * * *
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I, then, asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
And Finally . . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassedhim. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was,
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 638
Likes: 0
IN CASE YOU NEEDED FURTHER PROOF THAT THE
HUMAN RACE IS DOOMED THROUGH STUPIDITY,
HERE ARE SOME ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS
ON CONSUMER GOODS.
ON A SEARS HAIRDRYER: DO NOT USE WHILE
SLEEPING. ( AND THAT'S THE ONLY TIME I HAVE TO WORK ON MY HAIR).
ON A BAG OF FRITOS: ..YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (THE SHOPLIFTER SPECIAL?)
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: "DIRECTIONS: USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP." (AND THAT WOULD BE HOW??...)
ON SOME SWANSON FROZEN DINNERS: "SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST." (BUT, IT'S "JUST" A SUGGESTION.)
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESSERT (PRINTED ON
BOTTOM): "DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN." (WELL...DUH, A BIT LATE, HUH!)
ON MARKS &SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: "PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING." (...AND YOU THOUGHT????...)
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: "DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY." (BUT WOULDN'T THIS SAVE ME MORE TIME?)
ON BOOT'S CHILDREN COUGH MEDICINE:"DO NOT DRIVE A CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY AFTER TAKING THIS MEDICATION." (WE COULD DO A LOT TO REDUCE THE RATE OF CONSTRUCTION ACCIDENTS IF WE COULD JUST GET THOSE 5-YEAR-OLDS WITH HEAD-COLDS OFF THOSE FORKLIFTS.)
ON NYTOL SLEEP AID: "WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS." (AND... I'M TAKING THIS BECAUSE???....)
ON MOST BRANDS OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: "FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY." (AS OPPOSED TO...WHAT?)
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: "NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE." (NOW, SOMEBODY OUT THERE, HELP ME ON THIS. I'M A BIT CURIOUS.)
ON SUNSBURY'S PEANUTS: "WARNING: CONTAINS NUTS." (TALK ABOUT A NEWS FLASH)
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
"INSTRUCTIONS: OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS." (STEP 3: MAYBE, UH...FLY DELTA?)
ON A CHILD'S SUPERMAN COSTUME: "WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY." (I DON'T BLAME THE COMPANY. I BLAME THE PARENTS FOR THIS ONE.)
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:"DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS." (..WAS THERE A LOT OF THIS HAPPENING SOMEWHERE?)
HUMAN RACE IS DOOMED THROUGH STUPIDITY,
HERE ARE SOME ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS
ON CONSUMER GOODS.
ON A SEARS HAIRDRYER: DO NOT USE WHILE
SLEEPING. ( AND THAT'S THE ONLY TIME I HAVE TO WORK ON MY HAIR).
ON A BAG OF FRITOS: ..YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (THE SHOPLIFTER SPECIAL?)
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: "DIRECTIONS: USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP." (AND THAT WOULD BE HOW??...)
ON SOME SWANSON FROZEN DINNERS: "SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST." (BUT, IT'S "JUST" A SUGGESTION.)
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESSERT (PRINTED ON
BOTTOM): "DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN." (WELL...DUH, A BIT LATE, HUH!)
ON MARKS &SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: "PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING." (...AND YOU THOUGHT????...)
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: "DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY." (BUT WOULDN'T THIS SAVE ME MORE TIME?)
ON BOOT'S CHILDREN COUGH MEDICINE:"DO NOT DRIVE A CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY AFTER TAKING THIS MEDICATION." (WE COULD DO A LOT TO REDUCE THE RATE OF CONSTRUCTION ACCIDENTS IF WE COULD JUST GET THOSE 5-YEAR-OLDS WITH HEAD-COLDS OFF THOSE FORKLIFTS.)
ON NYTOL SLEEP AID: "WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS." (AND... I'M TAKING THIS BECAUSE???....)
ON MOST BRANDS OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: "FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY." (AS OPPOSED TO...WHAT?)
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: "NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE." (NOW, SOMEBODY OUT THERE, HELP ME ON THIS. I'M A BIT CURIOUS.)
ON SUNSBURY'S PEANUTS: "WARNING: CONTAINS NUTS." (TALK ABOUT A NEWS FLASH)
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
"INSTRUCTIONS: OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS." (STEP 3: MAYBE, UH...FLY DELTA?)
ON A CHILD'S SUPERMAN COSTUME: "WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY." (I DON'T BLAME THE COMPANY. I BLAME THE PARENTS FOR THIS ONE.)
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:"DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS." (..WAS THERE A LOT OF THIS HAPPENING SOMEWHERE?)
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 638
Likes: 0
1. ONLY IN AMERICA......CAN A PIZZA GET TO YOUR HOUSE FASTER THAN AN AMBULANCE.
2. ONLY IN AMERICA......ARE THERE HANDICAP PARKING PLACES IN FRONT OF A SKATING RINK.
3. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO DRUGSTORES MAKE THE SICK WALK ALL THE WAY TO THE BACK OF THE STORE TO GET THEIR PRESCRIPTIONS WHILE HEALTHY PEOPLE CAN BUY CIGARETTES AT THE FRONT.
4. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO PEOPLE ORDER DOUBLE CHEESEBURGERS, LARGE FRIES, AND A DIET COKE.
5. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO BANKS LEAVE BOTH DOORS OPEN AND THEN CHAIN THE PENS TO THE COUNTERS.
6. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO WE LEAVE CARS WORTH THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN THE DRIVEWAY AND PUT OUR USELESS JUNK IN THE GARAGE.
7. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO WE USE ANSWERING MACHINES TO SCREEN CALLS AND THEN HAVE CALL WAITING SO WE WON'T MISS A CALL FROM SOMEONE WE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO IN THE FIRST PLACE.
8. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO WE BUY HOT DOGS IN PACKAGES OF TEN AND BUNS IN PACKAGES OF EIGHT. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)
9. ONLY IN AMERICA.....DO WE USE THE WORD 'POLITICS' TO DESCRIBE THE PROCESS SO WELL: 'POLI' IN LATIN MEANING 'MANY' AND 'TICS' MEANING 'BLOODSUCKING CREATURES'.
10. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO THEY HAVE DRIVE-UP ATM MACHINES WITH BRAILLE LETTERING.
2. ONLY IN AMERICA......ARE THERE HANDICAP PARKING PLACES IN FRONT OF A SKATING RINK.
3. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO DRUGSTORES MAKE THE SICK WALK ALL THE WAY TO THE BACK OF THE STORE TO GET THEIR PRESCRIPTIONS WHILE HEALTHY PEOPLE CAN BUY CIGARETTES AT THE FRONT.
4. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO PEOPLE ORDER DOUBLE CHEESEBURGERS, LARGE FRIES, AND A DIET COKE.
5. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO BANKS LEAVE BOTH DOORS OPEN AND THEN CHAIN THE PENS TO THE COUNTERS.
6. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO WE LEAVE CARS WORTH THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN THE DRIVEWAY AND PUT OUR USELESS JUNK IN THE GARAGE.
7. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO WE USE ANSWERING MACHINES TO SCREEN CALLS AND THEN HAVE CALL WAITING SO WE WON'T MISS A CALL FROM SOMEONE WE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO IN THE FIRST PLACE.
8. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO WE BUY HOT DOGS IN PACKAGES OF TEN AND BUNS IN PACKAGES OF EIGHT. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)
9. ONLY IN AMERICA.....DO WE USE THE WORD 'POLITICS' TO DESCRIBE THE PROCESS SO WELL: 'POLI' IN LATIN MEANING 'MANY' AND 'TICS' MEANING 'BLOODSUCKING CREATURES'.
10. ONLY IN AMERICA......DO THEY HAVE DRIVE-UP ATM MACHINES WITH BRAILLE LETTERING.
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 638
Likes: 0
Signs You've Grown Up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down
the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle
your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not ****** and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that
much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply
26. You bug your kids about how they dress...and then your wife reminds you of how you used to dress when you were their age!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down
the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle
your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not ****** and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that
much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply
26. You bug your kids about how they dress...and then your wife reminds you of how you used to dress when you were their age!
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 638
Likes: 0
You might be a redneck if.............
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Your wife/sister complains about that framed portrait of Hulk
Hogan over the fireplace.
2. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil
War general.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid
taste test.
5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
7. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
8. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
10. You've ever used lard in bed.
11. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
14. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
15. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
16. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
17. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
18. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
19. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to
make it look nice.
20. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
21. You own a homemade fur coat.
22. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
23. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
24. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
25. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the
floorboard of your car.
26. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
27. There is a wasp nest in your living room.
28. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
29. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
30. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
31. You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
32. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
entertainment.
33. Fewer than half of your cars run.
34. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the
monkeys.
35. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
36. Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
37. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
38. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the
principal.
39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
40. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
41. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a
few days.
42. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure
out how to fix it.
43. Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before
telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
44. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for
Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
45. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
46. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin'
dog.
47. You're an expert on worm beds.
48. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your
house.
49. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I
can take a bath!"
50. Your family tree does not fork.
51. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room
walls.
52. You haul more than U-Haul.
53. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced,
"The feud is back on!"
54. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
55. Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
56. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
57. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
58. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
59. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying
airplanes.
60. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
61. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
62. You've ever financed a tattoo.
63. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day
my ship came in."
64. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
65. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high
school sports event.
66. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
67. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
68. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
69. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
70. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights
71. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
72. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from
the governor to spare a loved one.
73. You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
74. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game
because of her language.
75. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
76. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey
and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
77. None of your shirts cover your stomach.
78. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy
size bottle of ketchup.
79. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the
front ones.
80. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
81. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
82. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
83. Birds are attracted to your beard.
84. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute."
85. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
86. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
87. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
88. Bikers back down from your momma.
89. You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
90. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black
velvet.
91. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
92. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
93. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
94. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
95. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is
"What the hell are you looking at, ****head?"
96. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major
food groups.
97. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
98. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends
are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with
the same... they're a redneck too!)
99. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
100. You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
101. You clean your nails with a stick.
102. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
103. Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
104. People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
105. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has
an opening on the lube rack.
106. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
107. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
108. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest
invention of all time.
109. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
110. You've ever bought a used cap.
111. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
112. You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
113. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
114. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
115. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms.
Right'
116. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
117. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help
take the wheels off it.
118. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
119. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a
six-pack.
120. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
121. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an
overpass.
122. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
123. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt
buckle.
124. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
125. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved
road".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Your wife/sister complains about that framed portrait of Hulk
Hogan over the fireplace.
2. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil
War general.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid
taste test.
5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
7. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
8. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
10. You've ever used lard in bed.
11. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
14. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
15. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
16. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
17. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
18. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
19. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to
make it look nice.
20. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
21. You own a homemade fur coat.
22. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
23. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
24. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
25. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the
floorboard of your car.
26. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
27. There is a wasp nest in your living room.
28. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
29. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
30. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
31. You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
32. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
entertainment.
33. Fewer than half of your cars run.
34. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the
monkeys.
35. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
36. Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
37. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
38. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the
principal.
39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
40. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
41. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a
few days.
42. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure
out how to fix it.
43. Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before
telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
44. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for
Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
45. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
46. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin'
dog.
47. You're an expert on worm beds.
48. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your
house.
49. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I
can take a bath!"
50. Your family tree does not fork.
51. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room
walls.
52. You haul more than U-Haul.
53. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced,
"The feud is back on!"
54. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
55. Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
56. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
57. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
58. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
59. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying
airplanes.
60. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
61. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
62. You've ever financed a tattoo.
63. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day
my ship came in."
64. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
65. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high
school sports event.
66. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
67. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
68. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
69. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
70. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights
71. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
72. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from
the governor to spare a loved one.
73. You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
74. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game
because of her language.
75. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
76. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey
and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
77. None of your shirts cover your stomach.
78. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy
size bottle of ketchup.
79. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the
front ones.
80. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
81. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
82. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
83. Birds are attracted to your beard.
84. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute."
85. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
86. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
87. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
88. Bikers back down from your momma.
89. You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
90. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black
velvet.
91. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
92. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
93. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
94. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
95. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is
"What the hell are you looking at, ****head?"
96. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major
food groups.
97. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
98. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends
are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with
the same... they're a redneck too!)
99. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
100. You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
101. You clean your nails with a stick.
102. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
103. Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
104. People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
105. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has
an opening on the lube rack.
106. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
107. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
108. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest
invention of all time.
109. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
110. You've ever bought a used cap.
111. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
112. You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
113. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
114. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
115. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms.
Right'
116. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
117. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help
take the wheels off it.
118. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
119. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a
six-pack.
120. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
121. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an
overpass.
122. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
123. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt
buckle.
124. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
125. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved
road".