"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model", the editor from the men's magazine explained.

 

On their third night after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds shut off the lights and crawl under the covers. Turning amorously towards his bride, Ole tenderly informs Lena that tonight he wants a hand job instead of the usual stuff. Lena, being the proper girl that she is, had absolutely no idea what a "hand job" was. So, she gets out of bed, puts on her robe and heads for the phone to call her mom.
"Mom," says Lena, "Ole wants a hand job and I don't know what he means."
"Oh, Lena," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing and shake it like a bottle of ketchup."
"Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," replies Lena. So Lena hangs up the phone, removes her robe and crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to Ole, grabs his thing firmly with one hand and starts beating the end with the other.

 

One day the President and Mrs. Clinton were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours.
When Mrs. Clinton passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. "Dozens of times," was the reply.
"Please tell that to the President," Mrs. Clinton requested.
When the President passed the pens and was told about the roosters, he asked, "Same hen every time?"
"Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time."
The President nodded slowly, then said, "Tell that to Mrs. Clinton."

 

A Husband is a man who:

 

Two men were on line to by plane tickets to Pittsburg. When they came to the counter, they saw the woman ticket agent had a great pair of tits. The first man said, "Please give me two pickets to Titsburg".
The second man said "you know the same thing happened to me this morning. I asked my wife to pass the butter, but what I really meant to say was "You stupid bitch, you ruined my whole ing life"!!!

 

Here's some true stories about well....the fav subject. SEX.

It's supposed to be tender, romantic, intimate... but sometimes sex is just an embarrassing cock-up. These women were willing to cringe and tell about their Sexual Blunders:

'The first time I spent the night at my boyfriend's house, we decided that we weren't going to do the dirty deed yet, so I left my new diaphragm in my bag when getting ready for bed. I'm very short-sighted, so once I'd taken out my contact lenses I could barely find my way around the unfamiliar rooms. (It was much too early in the relationship to allow him to see me wearing spectacles.) Then one thing led to another and I found myself saying, "Wait I have to put in my diaphragm!" I stumbled, naked, from the bedroom to the bathroom, couldn't find the light switch and rifled blindly through my bag until I found the stupid thing. While I was applying lubricating gel, the diaphragm sprang out of my hands, forcing me to get down onto my hands and knees to crawl around trying to locate it by feel. It was at this point that the new man, wondering where on earth I was, came to the door and switched on the light. These days, to no surprise, I'm back on the Pill.' --Cheryl, PR, 27

 

'One night my boyfriend and I came back to my flat from a party a bit tipsy. As I walked in, I switched on the answering machine to hear if there were any messages. At that point, he started kissing me and we ended up having noisy, wildly energetic sex on the floor right there in the entrance hall. After work the next evening, my mum came round for coffee. On my way to the kitchen, I switched the answering machine on again and, as we settled down with our mugs for a chat, the unmistakable and definitely X-rated sounds of our lovemaking suddenly echoed loudly throughout the flat. I must have hit the record button rather than the playback button the night before. My mother prides herself on being broadminded, but this was just too much for her. She slopped coffee all over herself.' --Maureen, manager, 25

 

'We'd been going out for about five years and, to be honest, the sex wasn

 

'One Christmas, I went with my boyfriend to his parent's home for a few days. They are quite open-minded and on our first morning, his father brought us tea in bed. This was embarrassing enough, but as he turned to walk out the door, I noticed that he was standing on a condom we had recklessly discarded on the carpet during the night. It was stuck, like a persistent piece of Sellotape, to his slipper. I was hysterical and we couldn't think of what to say to him. "Excuse me, father, there's a condom stuck to your foot." (I think not.) Afterwards, we decided to act as if nothing had happened and so did he. But I wasn't able to look him straight in the eye again for the rest of the holiday. --Jane, Real Estate Agent, 25

 

eww......

'One afternoon I was home alone in the flat I share with two friends, feeling "experimental". I looked around for something vibrator-ish, and settled for a cucumber. I had a wonderful time lazing in the lounge, listening to music and playing around with the cucumber. When I was finished, I left it lying on the table and drifted off to have a long bath, thinking I would have plenty of time to throw it away and clean up before my flatmates came back. Unfortunately, they returned while I was in the bath - ravenous. The next thing I knew, they were offering me a spinach and bacon salad with... cucumber. I didn't have the heart to ask them if they had washed it. = I said, "No thanks, I'm not hungry" - and I wasn't.' --Angela, Buyer, 31