JOKE OF THE DAY
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 181
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From: Miami Beach, FL
A woman, after trying everything and having perhaps the worst chronic headache ever, goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor as a last resort. "Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."
"The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what you do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache."
"Do it as long as it takes, the headache will eventually vanish."
As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache..." She had barely said it four times when she realized her headache was gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.
"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it..."
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About eight years ago."
"Send him over."
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her, when he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.
A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.
At this point the wife had become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole,and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:
"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife..."
"The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what you do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache."
"Do it as long as it takes, the headache will eventually vanish."
As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache..." She had barely said it four times when she realized her headache was gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.
"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it..."
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About eight years ago."
"Send him over."
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her, when he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.
A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.
At this point the wife had become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole,and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:
"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife..."
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 181
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From: Miami Beach, FL
Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together.
Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the other two with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We are not really going to the French Riviera, we are going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes, he bought me a Taurus."
"Well," the third woman says, "I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."
Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the other two with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We are not really going to the French Riviera, we are going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes, he bought me a Taurus."
"Well," the third woman says, "I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
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From: Miami/305
Before the revolution, people died and became skeletons. After the revolution: skeleton first, die later.
Before the revolution there was a sign at the havana Zoo that read "PLEASE DON'T FEED THE ANIMALS" now it reads "PLEASE DON'T EAT THE ANIMALS"
Before the revolution there was a sign at the havana Zoo that read "PLEASE DON'T FEED THE ANIMALS" now it reads "PLEASE DON'T EAT THE ANIMALS"
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
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From: Miami/305
FIDEL IS THE TALK OF THE DAY....
A young boy Pepito asks his father, a government official, how society is organized under socialism. The father answers that it is organized just like their household: the father is the party; the mother is justice; the maid is the working class; Pepito himself is the people and his little brother is the future. The next day, the boy tells his father that he now understands what he meant: "Last night, daddy, the party was scr*w*ng the working class, while justice slept, the people was neglected, and the future was all covered in sh*t."
A young boy Pepito asks his father, a government official, how society is organized under socialism. The father answers that it is organized just like their household: the father is the party; the mother is justice; the maid is the working class; Pepito himself is the people and his little brother is the future. The next day, the boy tells his father that he now understands what he meant: "Last night, daddy, the party was scr*w*ng the working class, while justice slept, the people was neglected, and the future was all covered in sh*t."
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
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From: Miami/305
I'M GOING TO GIVE fIDEL UNTILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM 
In a speech, Fidel tells the people: "We only have wood chips to eat." The people chant in unison: "Give us wood chips, give us wood chips!" A week later, Fidel tells them: "Now we only have stones to eat." And the people shout: "Give us stones, give us stones!" Six months later, Fidel tells the people: "Good news! A ship with humanitarian assistance (food) has just arrived in the port of Havana." And the people shout :"Give us teeth, give us teeth!"
In a speech, Fidel tells the people: "We only have wood chips to eat." The people chant in unison: "Give us wood chips, give us wood chips!" A week later, Fidel tells them: "Now we only have stones to eat." And the people shout: "Give us stones, give us stones!" Six months later, Fidel tells the people: "Good news! A ship with humanitarian assistance (food) has just arrived in the port of Havana." And the people shout :"Give us teeth, give us teeth!"