Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple.

Two calves that will never become cows.

A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere.

A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything.

Twenty nails that won't hold a board.

A chest that won't hold linen.

Two boobs that won't give milk.

Two buns that won't feed anyone.

A belly button that won't button.

An organ that won't play music.

 

THE UNIVERSE UNLOCKED

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like... night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
25. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

CHAVEZ' BEST PICTURE YET!!

 

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.

The farmer mentioned the situation to the lake ranger. The ranger then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The ranger dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the ranger in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite.

Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest - I am a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!"

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the ranger. Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or fish?"

 

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

 

Love and Herpes?

Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?






























A: Herpes lasts forever.

 

Women are like cars:

Blowers are expensive.

Fast cars are like fast women, it takes lots of money to keep them both going.

When you have a hot one all your friends want a ride.

You never get your money out of modifications.

You put alot of faith in your rubber.

 

CAN I GO TO HELL INSTEAD?

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams Oh my God, "says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that !"

 

Warning Home Depot Scam

A heads up for those of you who may be regular home depot customers.

over the last month i became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite tramatic. don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you and your friends.
here's how the scam works:

two seriously good looking 20-21 year old girls come over to your truck as you are packing away the items that youv'e purchased. they both start wiping your windshield with a rag and windex, with their chest almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. it is impossible not to look. when you thank them and offer them a tip they say "no" and instead ask you for a ride to another home depot or lowe's. you agree and they climb into the backseat of your truck. on the way, they start undressing. then one climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
i had my wallet stolen on oct 14th, 17th, 21st, twice on the 25th, the 30th and nov.2nd. also on nov. 5th, 9th, and the 12th, and three times yesterday, and very likely this week and weekend.

please tell your friends to be carefull
Warning Home Depot Scam