JOKE OF THE DAY
Registered User
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 7,084
Likes: 0
From: Naples, FL
REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES:
1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Clause is your real Mom
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipies to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad's New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator
1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Clause is your real Mom
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipies to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad's New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator
Registered User
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 7,084
Likes: 0
From: Naples, FL
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"
The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"
The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!
Registered User
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 7,084
Likes: 0
From: Naples, FL
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
I got this one in the mail today...
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night'?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.
The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk'?
The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk'.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth'.
The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk'.
'We shall now show you the way to the sound'.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key'?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
....silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door'.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ---- - - -
. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night'?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.
The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk'?
The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk'.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth'.
The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk'.
'We shall now show you the way to the sound'.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key'?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
....silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door'.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ---- - - -
. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
A couple are in an art museum looking at a painting of 3 black men sitting naked on a bench. The odd thing is the man sitting in the middle has a bright pink wiener. The curator of the museum comes by and explains how this painting is depicting the black man's plight against being oppressed by the white man. "Oh, how inciteful" the young couple exclaim. The curator walks away and a man standing nearby asks if they would like to know the real meaning of the painting. "How would you know better than the curator?" "Because I am the one that painted it." "These aren't black men at all. They are Scottish mine workers. The man in the middle just happened to go home for lunch."
Registered User
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 7,084
Likes: 0
From: Naples, FL
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to he final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up......Then all the other bells started to ring.
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back..
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away...Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back..
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away...Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 16,759
Likes: 1
From: Sun★Works
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure..
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '
'And here I am.'
Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '
'And here I am.'
Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
To make you Olphin fans a bit happier after the tough loss to the Aint's this a joke's for you.
Never Underestimate A CUBAN
A CUBAN LAWYER from LA CALLE 8 walked into the First City Bank, in
DOWNTOWN MIAMI and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to THE BAHAMAS on business
for two weeks and needed to borrow $5 ,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so the CUBAN handed over the keys to his new
Ferrari. The car was parked on the street, in front of the bank. The
CUBAN produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for
having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the CUBAN DUMMY from LITTLE HAVANA for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private
underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the CUBAN returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are
very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
successful and wealthy individual. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?'
The CUBAN replied, 'Where else in DOWNTOWN MIAMI can I park my car
for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?
Coñoooooo...
Never Underestimate A CUBAN
A CUBAN LAWYER from LA CALLE 8 walked into the First City Bank, in
DOWNTOWN MIAMI and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to THE BAHAMAS on business
for two weeks and needed to borrow $5 ,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so the CUBAN handed over the keys to his new
Ferrari. The car was parked on the street, in front of the bank. The
CUBAN produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for
having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the CUBAN DUMMY from LITTLE HAVANA for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private
underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the CUBAN returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are
very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
successful and wealthy individual. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?'
The CUBAN replied, 'Where else in DOWNTOWN MIAMI can I park my car
for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?
Coñoooooo...
