JOKE OF THE DAY
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Joined: Mar 2007
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From: Naples, FL
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we
started cussing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell
and you say something with ass ...' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know', he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!'
'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we
started cussing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell
and you say something with ass ...' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know', he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!'
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 7,084
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From: Naples, FL
took my granddad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair all in different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My granddad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, what
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 3,297
Likes: 11
From: V I C E C I T Y
[quote name='s2keepup' date='Dec 30 2008, 11:05 AM'] took my granddad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair all in different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My granddad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, what
Thread Starter
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
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From: Miami/305
MY NEXT LIFE
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School, drink alcohol, party, and you're generally obnoxious.
Then you go to elementary school, you become a kid,you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then.........
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating,room service on tap, and then.............
You finish off as an orgasm
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School, drink alcohol, party, and you're generally obnoxious.
Then you go to elementary school, you become a kid,you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then.........
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating,room service on tap, and then.............
You finish off as an orgasm
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Joined: Dec 2008
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0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 17
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Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Thread Starter
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
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From: Miami/305
things to ponder
*Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
*When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
*A penny saved is a government oversight.
*The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
*The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
*The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
*He who hesitates is probably right.
*Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "
XL."
*If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
*If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to
blame.
*The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.
*There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it.
*For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.
*Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
*Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
*The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
*Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know "why" I look this way.I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.
*When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
*You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, or leaks.
*One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young
*Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
*First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up
your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
*Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today,it's called golf.
*Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
*When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
*A penny saved is a government oversight.
*The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
*The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
*The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
*He who hesitates is probably right.
*Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "
XL."
*If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
*If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to
blame.
*The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.
*There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it.
*For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.
*Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
*Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
*The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
*Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know "why" I look this way.I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.
*When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
*You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, or leaks.
*One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young
*Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
*First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up
your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
*Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today,it's called golf.
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 70
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From: Aventura, FL