JOKE OF THE DAY
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From: Miami/305
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager,"he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be undone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Texan said .... "Well, dang-it, would you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager,"he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be undone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Texan said .... "Well, dang-it, would you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Joined: Apr 2007
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From: Orlando, FL
"Gotta love our Marines"
AN OLD MAN APPROACHED THE WHITE HOUSE FROM ACROSS PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, WHERE HE'D BEEN SITTING ON A PARK BENCH.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama. The Marine replied, Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here. The old man said, Okay,and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama.
The Marine again told the man, Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here. The man thanked him and again walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?
The old man answered, Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, See you tomorrow, Sir!!
AN OLD MAN APPROACHED THE WHITE HOUSE FROM ACROSS PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, WHERE HE'D BEEN SITTING ON A PARK BENCH.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama. The Marine replied, Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here. The old man said, Okay,and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama.
The Marine again told the man, Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here. The man thanked him and again walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?
The old man answered, Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, See you tomorrow, Sir!!
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From: Miami/305
A language teacher was teaching her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are gramatically designated as masculine or femine.
"'House' in French is femine -- la maison. 'Pencil' in French is masculine -- le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The french teacher didn't know, and the word wasn't in her french dictionary. So for fun, she split the class into two groups, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to provide four reasons for their recommendations.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be the feminine gender because:
1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native languague they use to communicate is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group however, concluded that computers should be masculine because:
1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2) They have a lot of data, but they can't function on their own.
3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4) As soon as you commit yourself to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
"'House' in French is femine -- la maison. 'Pencil' in French is masculine -- le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The french teacher didn't know, and the word wasn't in her french dictionary. So for fun, she split the class into two groups, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to provide four reasons for their recommendations.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be the feminine gender because:
1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native languague they use to communicate is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group however, concluded that computers should be masculine because:
1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2) They have a lot of data, but they can't function on their own.
3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4) As soon as you commit yourself to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
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From: Naples, FL
A woman went to her husband and said "The car has a flat tire." He replied "Does it look like I have 'firestone' written on my head?" Frustrated she walked out of the room.
The next day when her husband walked in from work she said "The dishwasher is broken." He responded "Does it look like I have 'whirlpool' written on my forehead?" Once again she walks out mad.
The next day her husband came home and noticed the car and dishwasher were fixed. He asked her "How did you get this stuff fixed?" She said "The guy next door told me he'd fix them if I gave him a blow job or if I baked him a cake." "Oh what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked her, to which she responded "Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
The next day when her husband walked in from work she said "The dishwasher is broken." He responded "Does it look like I have 'whirlpool' written on my forehead?" Once again she walks out mad.
The next day her husband came home and noticed the car and dishwasher were fixed. He asked her "How did you get this stuff fixed?" She said "The guy next door told me he'd fix them if I gave him a blow job or if I baked him a cake." "Oh what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked her, to which she responded "Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
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From: Miami/305
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR..
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive."
"Well, I've always had A Fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm
Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."
"HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE"
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive."
"Well, I've always had A Fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm
Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."
"HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE"
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From: Naples, FL
Never Assume Men Understand
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them
was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her
there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was
definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened,
telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little
'0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of
the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured
him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat
lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the
room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she
choked.'
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them
was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her
there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was
definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened,
telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little
'0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of
the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured
him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat
lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the
room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she
choked.'
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
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From: Miami/305
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
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From: Miami/305
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
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From: Miami/305
Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's
office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch
us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When
the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and
says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the
sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but
agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an
appointment, has intercourse with no problems and seemingly are really enjoying themselves. He then pays the doctor, and they leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to
find out through the aid of my services?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out
anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we
can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges
$139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"
-Ruby
office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch
us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When
the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and
says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the
sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but
agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an
appointment, has intercourse with no problems and seemingly are really enjoying themselves. He then pays the doctor, and they leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to
find out through the aid of my services?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out
anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we
can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges
$139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"
-Ruby