The other thread is at 45+ pages, closing that one, starting a new one.

Who wants to be first?

 

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"

 

^

 

A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.



She asked, "What size condoms?"



The customer replied that he didn't know.



She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom,

 

It should be noted that the original of this thread, started September 9, 2003, had 1119 posts and over 32,500 views when it was closed

 

I didn't see that one coming.

 

My neighbor, the late Harry Wells, told me this story involving his wife, Emma, which took place in 1935 in the Griswoldville section of Wethersfield, Conn.

Emma had complained about splinters on the seat of their "three-holer" out-house. While she was gone, Harry decided to sand and varnish the outhouse seats.

Harry was doing some mowing out in the fields when Emma came home and hurried to the outhouse. Lo and behold, she became stuck hard and fast to the fresh varnish. Harry tried to pull her off and even tried using turpentine and paint thinner, but to no avail.

It desperation, Harry telephoned their old family doctor, Bill Storms, and the doctor advised him to saw off the wooden seat on both sides and rush it and Emma to Hartford Hospital's emergency room.

Several hospital interns and nurses were having no luck freeing Emma with alcohol and hot water when Dr. Storms arrived on the scene. One of the interns asked the doctor, "In all your years of practice, did you ever see anything like this?"

Dr. Storms replied, "no, never with a picture frame around it."

--- from Reminisce Oct/Nov 2006

 

I Miss Bill Clinton

It doesn't matter what party you belong to -- this is hilarious.

From a show on Canadian TV there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."

---ya gotta love it.

 

A grandson came to visit his grandparents & noticed his grandfather
sitting on the porch, in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from
the waist down.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out in the wind for all to
see!" he exclaimed.

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?" he asked again.

Grandpa looked at him and said, "Last week I sat here with no shirt on
and got a stiff neck. This is grandma's idea."

 

Medical terminology

Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out