Culture One vintage: Boy finishes college, moves out on own, gets job, marries girl, have kids, she becomes stay-at-home mom.

Culture One modern: Boy and girl both finish college, move out on own, get jobs, get married, have kid(s), utilize day-care similar to take care of kids during day while at work.

Culture Two: Boy finishes college, continues to live with extended family (at least parents, perhaps even uncles/aunts, cousins,) gets job, marries girl who then is considered part of the boy's family, have kids, the extended family (in particular the boy's parents) raises kids.

I've never personally experience Culture Two, my description above is simply based on what I've read over the years. Sounds like you come from that sort of culture, while your gf comes from Culture One. Neither one is "superior" to the other in my mind, they each have their pros and cons, and neither one of you is doing anything wrong by wanting to stick with what you're familiar with. But in my opinion, if the relationship is going to last long-term one of you will have to abandon their culture and assume the other. If neither of you are willing to do that, you need to realize the relationship is only a temporary thing. You either stick with it temporarily for fun, or if you prefer something long-term you end it and move on to somebody with cultural values similar to your own.

 

One day, she will wish her kids took care of her more...

 

It's just a cultural difference. My wife is Chinese and I am Caucasian. It's definitely a cultural thing for her to take care of her parents. They split about 5 or 6 years ago, so my wife put everything else behind her (we hadn't met yet) and bought a house and took her mother in. Her dad left town. But her mom didn't have a job and doesn't speak much english.

We got married about 1.5 years ago and her mom still lives with us. And I am totally okay with it.

The cultural side of it definitely shows through. There are some things that I don't agree with. I'm all for taking care of the parents if they need it...however, I'm not one who appreciates it when people EXPECT me to do things. I know another couple that is in debt, has 4 kids, I'm pretty sure has no savings or retirement...and they are of the mindset that their kids are going to care for them when they are older. With what?!!? The kids have no sense of direction and...for lack of a better word...are lazy. It's like they aren't even going to try to prepare themselves for retirement, they are just going to rely on their kids.

But...it's been good for me. I'm learning to speak Chinese, which is actually really fun. And I am trying to learn to read it...but that is really hard. I think some people just aren't open to the differences in the culture...in this case your GF. I know my wife would not have married me if I had a problem. Sure, we both wish that we had more privacy every now and then, but we just take short weekend trips somewhere about once a month.

It's definitely something that I am not used to. I think if I were in the same situation, I would do the same...take in my mother. I think the difference is that some of her elder relatives expect that to happen, whereas my mother would probably be very against it.

I think you are going to have to ask yourself if you can be with someone who won't support your decisions. There are plenty of people out there that will support you in this decision.

 

Weird thing is I was in the same situation as you. My wife is chinese but American born and her parents only spoke english. So I like to call her my White girl. haha I was raised like you and wanted to take care of my parents. She hated the idea of living with my parents and I see her point of view also. We had LOTS of heated arguments because of the same issue. At the end she loved me enough to compromise a little. We got married and we lived with my parents for 2 years until we could afford to help out my parents and have our own home. So luckily for me everything worked out. If she loves you enough, she should also understand your point of view and compromise a little. Your parents won't be here forever and enjoy time with them while you can.

Buck her while your parents are home and tell her to moan out loud. Maybe after that she'll feel more comfy that your parents don't give a shat and she might feel more comfortable.

 

Uhhhhhhh. . . not necessarily.

My folks have gone out of their way to make sure they are not a burden on me, and I try to do in kind. As it has come to pass, my parents and I now have a far more peer-to-peer type of relationship than most Asian families (this isn't to suggest at all disrespect to my parents, far from it; they want it that way)

There again, we're very Nordic. . . oh wait, did I just drop a clue that not all Caucasians are the same?!?!?!?!

As a White kid who grew up in an Asian neighborhood, yes, I get it. Elistan hit it right on the head with the fact that you have to make PROFOUND adjustments and assimilation into one culture or the other.

However, on more practical terms, dump the chick. . . not for anything she's doing per se; you just need to get your balls back.

 

Obviously there is a cultural difference. That's pretty clear.

But is there something unreasonable about thinking your parents managed to live this long while also raising another person, therefore they are hardly incompentent? Do they really need a live-in nurse right now? Can't you live ten minutes away and still get the job done?

Do you parents expect you to be around 24-7? Do they want that? Are they seeing any benefit to your attentions?

I can understand the desire to help your parents as they get older. But are they yet to the point where they cannot get by without your help? Assuming you move out, they've now got one less mouth to feed, one less person to clean after, one less person who's needs and demands must be accomodated on a daily basis.

Unless there is a compelling day-to-day issue that needs to be managed by you, it does really sound like your concern for your parents' well-being is based in anxiety over separating from them to begin a family of your own. You know, "growing up." Your parents, obviously, just up and left home at some age. If they were so traditional, why are they living in the US? Didn't they want a new start in a new place, a new culture?

I always figured my parents had kids by choice but that didn't mean they wanted to live with them for the rest of their lives. Don't they deserve their privacy, living in their own house all by themselves for a while? Apparently it doesn't bother you to be banging your girlfriend while your parents are home, but maybe, just maybe your parents had looked forward to their kids growing up and leaving the house for a time.

When you live in a place and society where it's safe for elderly people to live in their own house, there's something to be said for allowing parents and children to have a little privacy to develop on their own. It's a luxury in this world, take advantage of where you live, I'd say.

I don't see the point in breaking up with your girlfriend over this. It's a typical issue that needs to be worked out. On the upside, she's not going to raise your kids to be clingy hangers-on until the day you die They'll move out at 18, maybe a get a place nearby, and you'll see them when you want to see them instead of all day every day.

 

There is good reason for this 'conflict'. Almost all societies mentioned here with this engrained sense of responsiblity for taking care of one's parents is actually an economically derived one. Parents teach children over generations that it is their responsiblity to take care of them when they get older. Until the last 50-100 years, very few Chinese, Korean, Japanese, etc. did not need assistance from their children in order to live decent lives in old age. This is directly related to the massive decrease in children per household once a nation industrializes and the need for children to take care of their parents in old age decreases substantially (parents in poorer nations attept to have more children in order to better assure their future in old age).

Those in their 40's-60's in america right now are actually on average poorer than their parents. Due to the massive explosion of wealth in the United States and much of Europe in general over the last couple hundred years, the need to take care of your parents as a necessary function of society has eroded.

Here in lies the conflict. My guess is you still have this sense of responsibility regardless of the actual situation your parents find themselves in. Your girl friend sees this contradiction and your inability to rationalize it, much less not get angry at her simply for questioning it. If you could explain to her a real need, she'd probably understand. If it's simply a matter of 'culture', that's probably not going to make sense to her. It's just as culturally based as economically based.

 

I'm not trying to put you down or disrespect your culture, but I am honestly curious as to what age do you actually plan on moving out? Your parents could easily live another 20 years. Do you plan on taking care of them, by living at home for the rest of their lives? The way I see it, is that you're living your prime years right now. The older you get, the less energy and free time you will have to do the things you want to do.

Would your parents not be able to take care of themselves without your help? Or do you just feel that you living at home makes things easier for them, both chore wise and financially?

 

Thanks for all the inputs and personal experience from a variety of background. Wow you guys write a lot, very thoughtful post.

 

This is defiantly a big cultural difference I’ve noticed between western society and many East Asian cultures.

In most western cultures it is assumed that the kids will move out once they’re financially able, and then maintain their own household. There is defiantly a stigma attached to young adults still living with parents, especially if it is a married couple. It’s assumed that you should be able to make it on your own, and if you’re not making a go of it, it’s because you’re mooching off of your folks. This is not an issue of not wanting to take car of the family. In fact she may instinctively feel like you two are mooching off of your folks by living with them, even if you are paying the bills. It is not necisarally that she does not like your parrents, or want to have a close relationship with them.

Talk to your girl, and explain the cultural differences. Keep in mind that it is going to feel weird for her to live with your folks, even if she really likes them. In western culture there is defiantly a stigma of failure attached to a married couple that still lives with their parents. There is also a second stigma of adults who never move out of the house, even if they are financially successful (aka the mommy’s boy syndrom).

If you’re really serious about her, maybe you can find a compromise (like moving next door to your parents, but owning separate houses). Good luck, I hope you two can work this out between you.

Be sure to not make this a “why don’t you like my folks” argument. She may adore your parents, but it is just really going to feel weird for her to live with them.