Ended a 5.5 year relationship. We were engaged.
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From: St. Louis, MO
Originally Posted by wraith5,Mar 2 2009, 09:09 PM
Yes. She is at the bar to feel better. Whether for attention or to drown thoughts away, it is a way for her to cope. And IMO, not the best strategy if that's all she does because it's not good for long-term.
Probably trying to get your attention. She may have wanted you to confront it or catch on to her "storming" so you can follow her out. She probably wants to talk to you too but incapable of finding how.
5.5 year relationship. I would be more surprised if you were able to get her out of your head by now. Time is one of the biggest factors to healing (getting over her).
The only way to get back with her with long-term positive results is...
A.) Serious reconciliation with a professional (therapist or someone with a PsyD, PhD, MFT or MSW.)
B.) Many years down the road when BOTH you and her realized along the way, you two are the best fit after all.
Everyone thinks this is the easiest way to get over someone. And in reality, it's not. Well, unless she is a heartless bitch. And in that case, more the reason NOT to get back with her.
Some ways to help you get past this:
1.) Social support - Talk to friends, family, even random people.
2.) Activities - Continue exploring more self-care activities, schedule them in.
3.) Closure with her - Make a time to sit down and talk, seal the relationship, get sh*t off your chest by telling her.
4.) Another mate - Pursue with caution, best to make sure you are nearly over your ex-fiance or you'll have memories (counter transference) biting you in the ass.
Probably trying to get your attention. She may have wanted you to confront it or catch on to her "storming" so you can follow her out. She probably wants to talk to you too but incapable of finding how.
5.5 year relationship. I would be more surprised if you were able to get her out of your head by now. Time is one of the biggest factors to healing (getting over her).
The only way to get back with her with long-term positive results is...
A.) Serious reconciliation with a professional (therapist or someone with a PsyD, PhD, MFT or MSW.)
B.) Many years down the road when BOTH you and her realized along the way, you two are the best fit after all.
Everyone thinks this is the easiest way to get over someone. And in reality, it's not. Well, unless she is a heartless bitch. And in that case, more the reason NOT to get back with her.
Some ways to help you get past this:
1.) Social support - Talk to friends, family, even random people.
2.) Activities - Continue exploring more self-care activities, schedule them in.
3.) Closure with her - Make a time to sit down and talk, seal the relationship, get sh*t off your chest by telling her.
4.) Another mate - Pursue with caution, best to make sure you are nearly over your ex-fiance or you'll have memories (counter transference) biting you in the ass.
Joined: Mar 2002
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From: Doh!!
Originally Posted by Ted H,Mar 2 2009, 05:36 PM
Honestly, her behavior (before breaking up) sounds like clinical depression.
I don't want to give you false hope, but perhaps with a visit to a therapist/psychiatrist she could show some improvements. I'm assuming her behaviors have been recent (in the last year or two) developments, rather than over the entire course of the relationship.
I don't want to give you false hope, but perhaps with a visit to a therapist/psychiatrist she could show some improvements. I'm assuming her behaviors have been recent (in the last year or two) developments, rather than over the entire course of the relationship.
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From: Orange County, CA
Check this thread for some input
https://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showt...&#entry15523555
GL to you man
https://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showt...&#entry15523555
GL to you man
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i've been married for a year and a half, i'm only 24, screw her, dude play the field
don't get me wrong i love her to death, but she's does the same thing
i come home from work (14 days on 14 days off) and my house is a mess
i can yell and scream and bitch and complain all i want she only does things around the house when i'm home. it's gotten so bad when i get home i spend two days cleaning her and the kids mess, and this is starting to get to me
play the field and find a wife not a sandbag
don't get me wrong i love her to death, but she's does the same thing
i come home from work (14 days on 14 days off) and my house is a mess
i can yell and scream and bitch and complain all i want she only does things around the house when i'm home. it's gotten so bad when i get home i spend two days cleaning her and the kids mess, and this is starting to get to me
play the field and find a wife not a sandbag
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From: Disneyland
give her more time, she will come to her senses.. maybe you guys need to seek closure..?? she's definitely not over you.. but i don't know if you should keep dating her if you know the relationship won't work out.. imo i don't like to waste time with guys i don't see spending the rest of my life with
just my 2 million cents =D feelbettur
just my 2 million cents =D feelbettur
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It does sound like depression. I should know because I've been in that depressive state before where everything is difficult (yes even washing up), theres no point in doing 'anything' and you spend a lot of time sleeping.
You just need to ask yourself some serious questions. Do you love her and think it's worth pursuing the relationship? If yes, contact and suggest that you can be together if you get some relationship counseling. Tell her that her behavior is concerning you. Just be open and communicate.
As for her dancing with some other dude, sounds like a cry for attention. Don't play games with her, just figure out if you want to put time into the relationship and if it has a future.
You just need to ask yourself some serious questions. Do you love her and think it's worth pursuing the relationship? If yes, contact and suggest that you can be together if you get some relationship counseling. Tell her that her behavior is concerning you. Just be open and communicate.
As for her dancing with some other dude, sounds like a cry for attention. Don't play games with her, just figure out if you want to put time into the relationship and if it has a future.
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From: Columbus
Originally Posted by zdave87,Mar 2 2009, 09:26 PM
You & her weren't meant for each other. Move on. Yes--it hurts now, but, jeez, MOVE ON!!
The worst thing that will happen is you get back together and in 20 years look back at all the time you 2 wasted together and you were never happy. Life is too short.
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 4,894
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From: Tampa, FL
Originally Posted by Dizings2k,Mar 2 2009, 09:26 PM
I need help getting through this.. Please offer some insight. My mind just falls into depression randomly and I want to call her.
Second, you have to rediscover yourself. You have to re-identify your life without her in it and to do that, you have to figure out what truly makes you happy on your own. All the things you want or wanted to do but never did/could because of her, now its the time to do it. Mod the car, go on vacation, spend money on stupid shit...whatever it is, you have to do it to keep yourself happy. So often we get so used to someone else making us happy that we forget how to do it for ourselves.
Third, remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Consider this a bullet dodged and just take a step back and realize how much worse it COULD be. You could be married and have to d'x the bitch or even worse yet, you could have kids together and be stuck dealing with her for the rest of your life. Sometimes we have to take a minute and be grateful for what we do have, and not what we don't have.
Fourth, take lots of time to yourself and analyze what went wrong. Figure out what you did and she did that started the spiral downhill so you can LEARN from it. Learn what the hell went wrong between you two so hopefully you don't make the same mistake twice. There will be PLENTY of other girls and more headaches along the way...your job now is to not have a repeat of the same types of headaches you've already gone through.
Finally, realize that misery loves company so sometimes its good to be around people that have been through the same thing or worse...for that I encourage you to join www.mensalmanac.com No matter how bad you think it is, trust me, it could be A LOT worse.
- The Spectacle
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From: Northern VA
Don't initiate communication to her. It's in her court now, you presented the problem and it's now her job to put in the effort.
If she contacts you and wants to change, great, give her a chance to really put in some effort.
If she doesn't contact you, so doesn't want to change, so be it. A few years later you'll bump into her, she'll be 30lbs heavier, still working part time, etc. And you'll be glad you left.
If she contacts you and wants to change, great, give her a chance to really put in some effort.
If she doesn't contact you, so doesn't want to change, so be it. A few years later you'll bump into her, she'll be 30lbs heavier, still working part time, etc. And you'll be glad you left.
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From: nc
i agree, a lot of good info in here.
i've had similar experiences; what's interesting to note is how, when you're in the middle of a relationship like that, all you can think of is how terrible it is and how IT'S NOT WORKING...but later, after it's all over, all you can remember are the things you loved about the person.
if you know deep down that you guys aren't meant for each other, then you have no choice but to end it and leave it that way. trying to "work on it" is only going to frustrate you both, and eventually you'll resent the hell out of each other. you're not being fair to yourself or to her if you keep trying to "fix" a relationship that you know isn't going to work out.
the good news is that you're young, and have plenty of experiences yet that will help you get over all of this. it sucks now, because like wraith said, it's been 5 and a half years...that's a quarter of your life that she's been a part of; of course it's not going to feel normal that she's no longer a part of it. if you were able to spend that kind of time with someone and then just up and be done with it overnight, then you'd be a sick sick person.
i think a lot of times people (myself included) forget that dating is about finding out who you're compatible with. you don't just find someone you "like" and make it work. obviously relationships take work, but a good relationship means that you feel like your mate is worth any amount of time/effort.
anyway, of course she's very sad (almost definitely moreso than you), and women sometimes have different ways of dealing with that sadness than men...and sometimes they're the same ways. right now she wants attention from males to make her feel like she's valuable as a female in some way. getting dumped is extremely successful in making a person evaluate their worth; if someone else can make you feel like you're worth something, then that's where you'll head. that's a big reason why a lot of people will go look for a rebound lay...to re-establish their sense of worth.
all this to say...if you know it's not going to work out (and after this amount of time, you know) then you have to end it. unfortunately, that means that there's really no way you can be friends with her for a while as well. do your best to let her know that you do care about her and that you're there for her if she needs something, but you have to cut out the contact.
again, lots of good advice in here (mixed in with the usual mindless chatter
)
good luck bro, you'll be ok, and eventually, so will she.
i've had similar experiences; what's interesting to note is how, when you're in the middle of a relationship like that, all you can think of is how terrible it is and how IT'S NOT WORKING...but later, after it's all over, all you can remember are the things you loved about the person.
if you know deep down that you guys aren't meant for each other, then you have no choice but to end it and leave it that way. trying to "work on it" is only going to frustrate you both, and eventually you'll resent the hell out of each other. you're not being fair to yourself or to her if you keep trying to "fix" a relationship that you know isn't going to work out.
the good news is that you're young, and have plenty of experiences yet that will help you get over all of this. it sucks now, because like wraith said, it's been 5 and a half years...that's a quarter of your life that she's been a part of; of course it's not going to feel normal that she's no longer a part of it. if you were able to spend that kind of time with someone and then just up and be done with it overnight, then you'd be a sick sick person.
i think a lot of times people (myself included) forget that dating is about finding out who you're compatible with. you don't just find someone you "like" and make it work. obviously relationships take work, but a good relationship means that you feel like your mate is worth any amount of time/effort.
anyway, of course she's very sad (almost definitely moreso than you), and women sometimes have different ways of dealing with that sadness than men...and sometimes they're the same ways. right now she wants attention from males to make her feel like she's valuable as a female in some way. getting dumped is extremely successful in making a person evaluate their worth; if someone else can make you feel like you're worth something, then that's where you'll head. that's a big reason why a lot of people will go look for a rebound lay...to re-establish their sense of worth.
all this to say...if you know it's not going to work out (and after this amount of time, you know) then you have to end it. unfortunately, that means that there's really no way you can be friends with her for a while as well. do your best to let her know that you do care about her and that you're there for her if she needs something, but you have to cut out the contact.
again, lots of good advice in here (mixed in with the usual mindless chatter
) good luck bro, you'll be ok, and eventually, so will she.