New AKC Breeds
Collie + Lhasa Apso= Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

 

A man went to a restaurant to have some dinner.
Immediately upon being seated, he spotted a very sharp lady a couple of tables over from him. He decides to try his luck at getting her to join him, so he tells the waiter to deliver a bottle of champagne, with an invitation to join him.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the lady, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne & decides to send a note back over to the man. The note read: " For me to accept this bottle,you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 Million in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - - I happen to have 2 Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2 Million in the bank, but not even for YOU would I cut off 2 inches ! Send the bottle back ! ! "

 

Tony was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Tony's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Tony used his last bit of energy to scribble a note; then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Tony died. He said, "You know, Tony handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked
at it, but knowing Tony, I'm sure it's a wonderful message."
He opened the note, and read, "Get off my oxygen tube!"

 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned--couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for
it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. So then I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

 

A man found a bottle on a beach, pulled out the cork, and a genie appeared.

 

THANKS
for parking
so close
Next time leave
a ing can
opener so I can
get my car out
Assholes
like you
should take
the BUS!!!

 

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
/
| | O
__/
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
__
o /
| |
__/
I said (pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before prison ..."

 

Last one.....

A professor, teaching a college sexuality class, was discussing the wide variety of frequency-of-sex that could still be considered normal.
"Many people find that sex every other week is sufficient frequency to satisfy -- and that's fine. Yet others want to make love nightly--and there's nothing wrong with that either. Let's take an informal survey of this class. Don't be embarrassed. Please answer honestly. How many
people here make love more than twice a week?"
A few hands shot up.
"Twice a week?"
A few more hands.
"Weekly, on average?"
Many hands.
"Once every two weeks?"
he continued, and "Once a month?" and "Once every several months?" and finally, "Once a year?"
At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most eagerly.
"Pardon my curiosity," the professor asked, "but if you only make love once a year, why are you so excited over it?"
Replied the student, "Tonight's the night!"

 

A very proper young asian lady had been taught all her life that when she was married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of their honeymoon the young bride crawled out the bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husbands clothes, and accidently let out a loud fart. Her husband glanced over at her very suprised. She looked up and said, "So sorry, excuse please, front hole so happy that back hole laugh out loud."

 

This yuppie couple in started their own computer business and for a while did really well. Then business started dropping off. During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."
The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh Yeah ??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur AND the gardener."