Joke of the Day, LOL
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 45,173
Likes: 4,089
From: Arlington, VA
ALIENS
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the
greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during
my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a dick he can wrap
around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the
greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during
my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a dick he can wrap
around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 45,173
Likes: 4,089
From: Arlington, VA
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies
for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and
picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the
livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a
goose.
Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his
purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't
you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in
one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a fair young lady with rather
large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost,
and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515
Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going
to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's
take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save
half the time to get there".
The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we
get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the
wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens and a goose. How in the world could I
possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the
bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the
bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and
picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the
livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a
goose.
Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his
purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't
you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in
one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a fair young lady with rather
large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost,
and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515
Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going
to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's
take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save
half the time to get there".
The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we
get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the
wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens and a goose. How in the world could I
possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the
bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the
bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 318
Likes: 0
From: Bay Area
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks,"OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew,"says the leopard."That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says......................"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard." 
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 485
Likes: 1
From: San Angelo
Oldie but one of my favorites 
AT LAST, AN ANSWER TO THIS AGE OLD QUESTION, "WHO IS JACK SCHITT??"
The lineage is finally revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says,
"You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of
Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and
Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were
living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son,
ChickenSchitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!
AT LAST, AN ANSWER TO THIS AGE OLD QUESTION, "WHO IS JACK SCHITT??"
The lineage is finally revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says,
"You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of
Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and
Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were
living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son,
ChickenSchitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 485
Likes: 1
From: San Angelo
The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some winning entries , they are just to funny not to share!
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 318
Likes: 0
From: Bay Area
New Words
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOM: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFY(S): Well Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust! (leads to 'PRAIRIE DOGGING'.)
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOM: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFY(S): Well Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust! (leads to 'PRAIRIE DOGGING'.)
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 318
Likes: 0
From: Bay Area
Questions and Answers From Australia
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?(UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come
naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it.
Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy).
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you
go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?(UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come
naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it.
Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy).
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you
go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Registered User
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 127
Likes: 0
From: Southwest
Confucius Say:
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
2. Man who run in front of car get tired.
3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
10. Baseball is wrong; man with four ball can not walk.
11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
15. It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
16. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
2. Man who run in front of car get tired.
3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
10. Baseball is wrong; man with four ball can not walk.
11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
15. It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
16. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.