Great thread! I have wasted quite a lot of time at work on this one!

here's a couple short ones for you:

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Not bad, but can it pick up peanuts??

 

The Seven Dwarves are in a hottub.

They all start feeling sleepy.

So he gets the hell out!

 

Last one (and the stupidest!):

What's brown and sticky?


A stick.

 

Nuclear Power
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to
the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes
off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big
patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified
to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know s**t?"

 

that is good. i don't know shit either... hehe. so can some explain to me what the differences between them... lololol

 

Beer
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. -- W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. -- Anonymous

If God hadn't intended us to drink beer, He wouldn't have given us stomachs. -- David Daye

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? -- Stephen Wright

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. -- Frank Zappa

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. -- Homer Simpson

 

Why it takes a license to drive

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation

 

One day, Pinnochio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinnochio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So, he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"
Pinnochio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters."
This remark bothered Pinnochio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinnochio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinnochio, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinnochio revealed his dilemma to Gepetto, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinnochio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.
Gepetto had not heard from Pinnochio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinnochio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinnochio. When he saw Pinnochio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So, Pinnochio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls," to which Pinnochio replied
"Girls, who needs girls?"

 

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict; he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $33.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.

 

Last one for today.....

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"