OK...since Monica's back in the news!

>> This is from an actual contest on Long Island. The requirements
>>were to use the words Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick.
>>
>> Here are the 3 winners:
>>
>> First Place:
>>
>> There once was a gal named Lewinsky
>>
>> Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
>>
>> Twas "Hail to the Chief"
>>
>> On this flute made of beef
>>
>> That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
>>
>>
>>
>> Second Place:
>>
>> Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
>>
>> We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
>>
>> Since you look such a mess,
>>
>> Use the hem of your dress
>>
>> And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
>>
>>
>> Third Place:
>>
>> Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
>>
>> What Kaczynski must surely have known:
>>
>> That an intern is better
>>
>> Than a bomb in a letter
>>
>> Given the choice of how to be blown.
>>

 

Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich get caught up in a
twister and end up in Oz. When the dust settles and they
realize where they are, Quayle says, "I'm going to see the
Wizard to ask for a brain". Gingrich adds, "And I'm going to
ask for a heart". Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy".


What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky?
"Want to come to the Oval Office and see the Executive Branch?"


Famous presidential quotes:
-"Ich bin ein Berliner." John F. Kennedy
-"I'm not a crook." Richard Nixon
-"Tear down this wall, Mr. Gorbachev." Ronald Reagan
-"Read my lips." George Bush
-"Suck my dick." William J. Clinton

Hillary's new book is entitled, "It Takes a Village to Satisfy
My Husband."

 

Last one for today...

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and were silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent, stink terribly."

"Good," the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

 

This really is the last one for today - enjoy.

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair, making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see
your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I
saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, "Oh no! Not the
Breathalyzer again!"

 

Walking the Dog

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

LOL!!! Keep'em coming!

 

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined
his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked
up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice
echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly
jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When
he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light
on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the
stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you!" Freaked out, he shone his light around
frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of
the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. " Did you say that?",
he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked,
"I'm just trying to warn you. Jesus is watching you!"
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird. Moses?" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler, Jesus."

 

OK one more...

An elderly Jewish woman goes down to the beach near her home for some sun. She spies an attractive man her age sitting on a towel. She puts her towel down near his, and attempts to strike up a conversation. "Nice weather we're having." "Yes it is" he says. "Do you come to this beach often?" she asks. He replies "every day since my wife passed away a year ago." Intrigued, she says "Do you like pussy cats?" and at that point he drops his newspaper, rips off his bathing suit and hers and proceeds to give her the most thrilling and satisfying ride of her life. When they are finished and lying panting by each other, she asks "How did you know that was what I wanted from you?" He replies "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

An elderly Jewish woman goes down to the beach near her home for some sun. She spies an attractive man her age sitting on a towel. She puts her towel down near his, and attempts to strike up a conversation. "Nice weather we're having." "Yes it is" he says. "Do you come to this beach often?" she asks. He replies "every day since my wife passed away a year ago." Intrigued, she says "Do you like pussy cats?" and at that point he drops his newspaper, rips off his bathing suit and hers and proceeds to give her the most thrilling and satisfying ride of her life. When they are finished and lying panting by each other, she asks "How did you know that was what I wanted from you?" He replies "How did you know my name was Katz?"



That was the most disgusting visual I have ever had in my entire life!

Thanks, anymore?

 

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them
for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".