This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my f---ing shoes."

 

Hmmm...where was I? OK...

A guy went out on the golf course and took a high-speed ball right
in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he
finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let
it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat
little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive
work of art.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and
on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them, and she said, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before."

He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE!"

 

BUMPER STICKERS WE'D JUST LOVE TO SEE ...

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I need someone really bad ... Are you really bad?
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry...Then things get worse.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.

 

Last one for the day...

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take
turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's
peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you
end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the
cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were
pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit
me leg off."
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship,
pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the
fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye
patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."

 

Love the pirate one!

A man and his friend are out having a drink on guys night out. They get into some pretty deep personal conversation and the one friend admits he is having a little trouble "getting it up". The man further told his friend that it had been months since he and his wife had sex.

The friend suggests that he try a technique that he had found to be very effective he said: "Reach your hand down to your wifes kitty and get a little of the wet stuff and rub a little on your upper lip." The man asks: "Does that really work?" The friend told him to just try it, see if it works for him what did he have to lose?

So a few nights later the man was in bed, up late and could not sleep. He was next to his wife who was dead asleep and remembered what his friend had told him. So wanting to see if his friends theory really works, he reached down to his wifes bearded clam and got a little "sea water". He then proceded to rub a little on his upper lip and waited. A few seconds later he felt a little movement down there and decided to get a little more. So he reached over his wife again, who was still sawing logs and rubbed her snapper again and got alittle more. This time he rubbed it all over his lips and chin and waited. A few seconds later he felt it get halfway hard, amazed at the fact it's working he excitedly reached down and got another helping of butter from the love muffin. This time he wanted to make sure he got a full on hard on he rubbed it all over his lips, mouth, chin, down his neck and looked down and saw that it was hard as a rock. So extreamly proud of his acheivment he grabs his wifes shoulder and shakes it trying to wake her. After he woke her up he says: "Honey , Honey look what it got!" She turns to him and says: "Oh my god that is the worst bloody nose I have ever seen!"

 

It's Mon, so here goes...

The Story:
Girl and boy were having a relationship for about four
months. One Friday night they meet at a bar after
work. They have a few drinks, then went to get some
food at a local restaurant near their respective
homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she
stays overnight.

Her story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought
it might have been because I was a bit late but he
didn't say anything about it. The conversation was
quite slow going so I thought we should go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk more
privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's
STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him
up and start to wonder whether it's me or something
else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not
really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house,
I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around
me. I don't know what the hell this means
because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if
he's going to dump me!
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on
the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep.
Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have
sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so
afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don't know, I
just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do
you think he's met someone else ???

His story:
Shitty day at work, low on funds, and tired.
Got laid though.

 

And another one...

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

 

Last one for today!

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your stupid cat!"

 

Hey great thread, some of the previous jokes were pure gold!

Heres a lame one: ( I'll need a rim shot on this one )




Hey! Did u guys hear we caught Saddam Hussien's sons??!! We really did, now its time to Baghdad!

 

There was once a very religious man, one day he was out for a stroll on along the beach when he said to god; "God i have always tried to be the best person i could be, I have always done the good deeds, I want to ask you for one wish, just one.

All of a sudden the dark heavy clouds came and there was thunder in the distance and god spoke. " Yes I will grant you your one wish."

The man was in awe, and out of shear excitement he wished, "God i wish that there was a highway from here to hawaii so i could drive to hawaii."

God said, " That is a very materialistic wish, think of all the steel and concrete that will go into building a bridge throught the pacific ocean. I will not grant it, rethink and ask for something else."

So the man thinks deeply and says, " God i have trouble with women, what is that makes them mad,sad,happy. My wish is to know what is that women want??"

There is a silence....................Then god says, "Did u say you wanted four lanes?"