Joke of the Day, LOL
Registered User
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,837
Likes: 0
From: NW Chicago Burbs
SOUTHERN vs. NORTHERN FOOTBALL
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary---that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America .
Cheerleaders:
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put your name on the waiting list.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game, University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sum******************** - tackle him and break his legs."
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sum******************** - tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary---that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America .
Cheerleaders:
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put your name on the waiting list.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game, University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sum******************** - tackle him and break his legs."
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sum******************** - tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.
Registered User
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 179
Likes: 0
From: Cleveland
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is really amazed. Everything has been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies......... "You just happened to catch my eye."
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is really amazed. Everything has been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies......... "You just happened to catch my eye."
Registered User
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 179
Likes: 0
From: Cleveland
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. And so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend ... She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, a fair bit, and that was my sister-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to help her mother check the wedding invitations. So I went. But she was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her older sister, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me."
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house...
Her father was standing outside, with his wife and my fianc
There was only one thing bothering me, a fair bit, and that was my sister-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to help her mother check the wedding invitations. So I went. But she was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her older sister, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me."
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house...
Her father was standing outside, with his wife and my fianc
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 485
Likes: 1
From: San Angelo
The Moral Of The Story........
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt
Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to
bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of
whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy
hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty
enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out
of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and
then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral
did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt
Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to
bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of
whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy
hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty
enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out
of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and
then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral
did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 485
Likes: 1
From: San Angelo
SNOW JOKES-ALREADY???
Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out and Norman's wife is very upset. With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out and Norman's wife is very upset. With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 813
Likes: 0
From: Las Vegas
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat . As he settles in, he
glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Low and behold, she
takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Low and behold, she
takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
Registered User
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 127
Likes: 0
From: Southwest
You may have read one similar to this in another thread, but this one is the original from July,2000.----------
The Secrets of Women's Language : Keywords and their meaning. (In the interest of helping the brothers keep peace in their households.)
Fine: This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before we take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade.
Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
Thanks A Lot: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
The Secrets of Women's Language : Keywords and their meaning. (In the interest of helping the brothers keep peace in their households.)
Fine: This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before we take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade.
Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
Thanks A Lot: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
