Joke of the Day, LOL
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From: Central
HOW TO KILL A SOUTH TEXAS EEL.
Little Johnnie was 7 years old and like other boys of his age he was rather curious. He had heard a lot about courting and wondered what it was and how it was done. He took his question to his mother, who told him to hide behind the curtain and watch his sister and her boyfriend. He did this and the following day he explained what he saw:
Sis and her boyfriend turned off most of the lights and then sat down. He then started hugging and kissing her. She must have been getting sick because her face went all funny. Her boyfriend knew this because he put his hand up her blouse to feel her heart, but it took him a long time to find it. I guess he was getting sick too because they both started panting and getting out of breath. I think his other hand was cold because he put it up her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and started to moan and groan and move to the end of the couch and she said she was getting really hot. Finally I found out what was making them sick, a big eel! A big eel had gotten in his pants. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long, HONEST! Anyway, he then grabbed it to stop it escaping. When Sis saw it she got really scared and her eyes were big and her mouth fell open and she started to call to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the river. Sis got brave and tried to kill it, by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let it go. I guess it bit her back. She then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and pulled it over its head to stop it from biting. She laid back and opened her legs so she could get a scissor-hold on it and he helped by lying on top of it. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they tried to kill it by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and let out a big sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the eel because it was just hanging there limp. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went back to courting. Anyway he started kissing her again, and bugger me the eel wasn't dead, it jumped straight up and started to fight, again.
I guess eels must be like cats and have nine lives or something.
This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After they struggled for 35 minutes, they finally killed it. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis's boyfriend skin it and flush it down the toilet.
Little Johnnie was 7 years old and like other boys of his age he was rather curious. He had heard a lot about courting and wondered what it was and how it was done. He took his question to his mother, who told him to hide behind the curtain and watch his sister and her boyfriend. He did this and the following day he explained what he saw:
Sis and her boyfriend turned off most of the lights and then sat down. He then started hugging and kissing her. She must have been getting sick because her face went all funny. Her boyfriend knew this because he put his hand up her blouse to feel her heart, but it took him a long time to find it. I guess he was getting sick too because they both started panting and getting out of breath. I think his other hand was cold because he put it up her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and started to moan and groan and move to the end of the couch and she said she was getting really hot. Finally I found out what was making them sick, a big eel! A big eel had gotten in his pants. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long, HONEST! Anyway, he then grabbed it to stop it escaping. When Sis saw it she got really scared and her eyes were big and her mouth fell open and she started to call to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the river. Sis got brave and tried to kill it, by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let it go. I guess it bit her back. She then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and pulled it over its head to stop it from biting. She laid back and opened her legs so she could get a scissor-hold on it and he helped by lying on top of it. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they tried to kill it by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and let out a big sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the eel because it was just hanging there limp. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went back to courting. Anyway he started kissing her again, and bugger me the eel wasn't dead, it jumped straight up and started to fight, again.
I guess eels must be like cats and have nine lives or something.
This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After they struggled for 35 minutes, they finally killed it. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis's boyfriend skin it and flush it down the toilet.
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From: Central
The departing division general manager met a last time with his young successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me, and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes into a drawer.
Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The crisis passed.
Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
He held another press conference, announcing that the division would be restructured. The crisis passed.
A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
"Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes into a drawer.
Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The crisis passed.
Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
He held another press conference, announcing that the division would be restructured. The crisis passed.
A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
"Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
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Time for some contributions to this amazing thread. I've gotten most of these from streettruckworld.com
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected a half gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of
orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2-pound can of
coffee, and a 1-pound package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a man standing in line behind her, who was drunk, watched
as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
As the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated: "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this, but she was equally
intrigued by the man's intuition, since she was, indeed, single.
she looked at her six items and saw nothing particularly unusual
about them that could have tipped off the man to her marital
status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know
what,
you're absolutely correct, but how did you know that?
''Cause you're ugly," replied the drunk.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected a half gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of
orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2-pound can of
coffee, and a 1-pound package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a man standing in line behind her, who was drunk, watched
as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
As the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated: "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this, but she was equally
intrigued by the man's intuition, since she was, indeed, single.
she looked at her six items and saw nothing particularly unusual
about them that could have tipped off the man to her marital
status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know
what,
you're absolutely correct, but how did you know that?
''Cause you're ugly," replied the drunk.
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MEN FIGHT BACK!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet then men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with 'A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more then women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Whats worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet then men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with 'A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more then women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Whats worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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T-shirt sayings:
1."My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She
thought she was God, and I didn't.
2. "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
3. "Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them."
4. "I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."
5. "You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me."
6. "I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing."
7. "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
8. "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
9. "God must love stupid people. He made so MANY of them!"
10. "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
11. "It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to
get you!"
12. I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
13. "Ever stop to think and forget to start again?"
14. "I must be a proctologist ... because I work with *******s!"
15. "Wrinkled ... was NOT one of the things I wanted
to be when I grew up."
16. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN. Need I
17. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
18. "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already
taken."
19. "The original point-and-click interface was a
Smith & Wesson."
20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I
wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
21. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just
"chunky dunk."
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize
you haven't fallen asleep yet.
23. When I met my wife, I thought she was miss "RIGHT". It wasn't until we married that I found out her first name was "ALWAYS".
1."My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She
thought she was God, and I didn't.
2. "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
3. "Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them."
4. "I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."
5. "You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me."
6. "I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing."
7. "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
8. "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
9. "God must love stupid people. He made so MANY of them!"
10. "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
11. "It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to
get you!"
12. I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
13. "Ever stop to think and forget to start again?"
14. "I must be a proctologist ... because I work with *******s!"
15. "Wrinkled ... was NOT one of the things I wanted
to be when I grew up."
16. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN. Need I
17. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
18. "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already
taken."
19. "The original point-and-click interface was a
Smith & Wesson."
20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I
wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
21. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just
"chunky dunk."
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize
you haven't fallen asleep yet.
23. When I met my wife, I thought she was miss "RIGHT". It wasn't until we married that I found out her first name was "ALWAYS".
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The CEO
Another case of speaking instead of listening ....
The Board of Directors of a certain company, feeling it was time for a corporate shakeup to increase efficiency, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On his first tour of the facility, he spotted a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted them to be positive that he really meant business!
The CEO walked up to the guy, looked him straight in the eye and demanded, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make just under $300 a week. Why?" The CEO handed the guy $600 in cash and screamed, "Here's two weeks' severance pay. You're fired! Now GET OUT and DON'T COME BACK!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO again looked around at the startled faces of the workmen and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy goof-off did around here?" After a little hesitation, one of the workers muttered, "He's the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Another case of speaking instead of listening ....
The Board of Directors of a certain company, feeling it was time for a corporate shakeup to increase efficiency, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On his first tour of the facility, he spotted a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted them to be positive that he really meant business!
The CEO walked up to the guy, looked him straight in the eye and demanded, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make just under $300 a week. Why?" The CEO handed the guy $600 in cash and screamed, "Here's two weeks' severance pay. You're fired! Now GET OUT and DON'T COME BACK!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO again looked around at the startled faces of the workmen and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy goof-off did around here?" After a little hesitation, one of the workers muttered, "He's the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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Top 10 Answering Machine Messages
Number 10
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now,
but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get
back to you as soon as we're finished.
Number 9
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding,
windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity at the office and don't need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name
and home phone number and they will get back to you.
Number 8
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about
your name, your number, and your reason for calling...
and I 'll think about returning your call.
Number 7
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Number 6
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
Number 5
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons
is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
Number 4
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon.
If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
Number 3
Hi. Now YOU say something.
Number 2
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call
back, it's you.
And the Number1 Answering Machine Message
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the
phone right now, because we're doing something we really
enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing
it
left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when
we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
Number 10
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now,
but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get
back to you as soon as we're finished.
Number 9
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding,
windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity at the office and don't need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name
and home phone number and they will get back to you.
Number 8
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about
your name, your number, and your reason for calling...
and I 'll think about returning your call.
Number 7
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Number 6
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
Number 5
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons
is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
Number 4
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon.
If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
Number 3
Hi. Now YOU say something.
Number 2
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call
back, it's you.
And the Number1 Answering Machine Message
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the
phone right now, because we're doing something we really
enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing
it
left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when
we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
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One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba
driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
'"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on
County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put
the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the
truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said 'Bubba, take whatever
you want'.
So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you".
_________________
driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
'"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on
County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put
the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the
truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said 'Bubba, take whatever
you want'.
So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you".
_________________
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Yo mama's so UGLY:
your daddy takes her to work so he doesn't need to kiss her goodbye
she makes blind kids cry
when she threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back
the psychiatrist makes her lie face-down
when she passes by your bathroom, the toilet flushes
when she gets up, the sun goes down
when she was born, they put her in an incubator with tinted windows
when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother
when she was born, her mom said, "What a treasure!"; and your dad replied, "Yeah, let's go bury it"
when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end
the government moved Halloween to her birthday
instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
they push her face into the dough to make gorilla cookies
when I took her to the zoo, a guy at the door said, "Thanks for bringing her back"
the prince would rather live as a frog than kiss her
her mom had to feed her with a slingshot
her parents first named her "Accident"
they knew what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock!
she took your dog to the Canine Show and won your dog came in second
your daddy takes her to work so he doesn't need to kiss her goodbye
she makes blind kids cry
when she threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back
the psychiatrist makes her lie face-down
when she passes by your bathroom, the toilet flushes
when she gets up, the sun goes down
when she was born, they put her in an incubator with tinted windows
when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother
when she was born, her mom said, "What a treasure!"; and your dad replied, "Yeah, let's go bury it"
when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end
the government moved Halloween to her birthday
instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
they push her face into the dough to make gorilla cookies
when I took her to the zoo, a guy at the door said, "Thanks for bringing her back"
the prince would rather live as a frog than kiss her
her mom had to feed her with a slingshot
her parents first named her "Accident"
they knew what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock!
she took your dog to the Canine Show and won your dog came in second
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Yo mama's so STUPID:
she got hit by a parked car
she looks for the Sunday paper on Tuesdays
she put your puppy in the oven to make a hot dog
she bought a solar-powered flashlight
she invented glow-in-the-dark sunglasses /water-proof teabag/wheelchair with pedals
she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the W's
she thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico
she spent twenty minutes staring at the orange juice carton because it said "Concentrate"
I strangled her with a cordless phone
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
she sits on the TV and watches the sofa
she asked me what kind of jeans I had on, I said "Guess", and she said "uh, Levi's?"
she stands up on an empty bus
when I asked her to buy me a color TV, she asked me what color
when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends
she went to a 24-hr store and asked what time they closed
she broke into a furniture store and slept on the floor
she only has one toe on each foot, but she bought a pair of flip flops
she writes "Thank You" notes for her bills
she got hit by a parked car
she looks for the Sunday paper on Tuesdays
she put your puppy in the oven to make a hot dog
she bought a solar-powered flashlight
she invented glow-in-the-dark sunglasses /water-proof teabag/wheelchair with pedals
she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the W's
she thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico
she spent twenty minutes staring at the orange juice carton because it said "Concentrate"
I strangled her with a cordless phone
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
she sits on the TV and watches the sofa
she asked me what kind of jeans I had on, I said "Guess", and she said "uh, Levi's?"
she stands up on an empty bus
when I asked her to buy me a color TV, she asked me what color
when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends
she went to a 24-hr store and asked what time they closed
she broke into a furniture store and slept on the floor
she only has one toe on each foot, but she bought a pair of flip flops
she writes "Thank You" notes for her bills