Joke of the Day, LOL
Registered User
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 127
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From: Southwest
Halloween humor...
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a
Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear
to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a
costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the
following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a
Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear
to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a
costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the
following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,419
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From: Houston
Don't know any jokes, but I have had plenty of messed up things happen to me that I can tell as funny stories:
Racist CHL Instructor?
1st off...some quick details:
1. In Texas, CHL = Concealed Handgun License.
2. I'm asian.
I was at this class for renewing my concealed handgun license.
The instructor was this big American Indian looking guy...with a severe Texan accent (reminded me of that guy from Predator).
After finishing my prints I walked over to a table to wipe my hands. The instructor was talking to this guy doing his prints...and I picked up on this phrase:
[instructor:] mumble mumble..."there's tha Goook"...
I looked over immediately and they were both looking in my direction and then turned away.
At first it didn't compute...I was in clear earshot distant of thier conversation, what were they trying to pull?
I looked down at the paper towels as I was thinking of retort. Nothing was comming to mind.
And before I could say anything stupid....something caught my eye...
There was this plastic container:
Racist CHL Instructor?
1st off...some quick details:
1. In Texas, CHL = Concealed Handgun License.
2. I'm asian.
I was at this class for renewing my concealed handgun license.
The instructor was this big American Indian looking guy...with a severe Texan accent (reminded me of that guy from Predator).
After finishing my prints I walked over to a table to wipe my hands. The instructor was talking to this guy doing his prints...and I picked up on this phrase:
[instructor:] mumble mumble..."there's tha Goook"...
I looked over immediately and they were both looking in my direction and then turned away.
At first it didn't compute...I was in clear earshot distant of thier conversation, what were they trying to pull?
I looked down at the paper towels as I was thinking of retort. Nothing was comming to mind.
And before I could say anything stupid....something caught my eye...
There was this plastic container:
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 485
Likes: 1
From: San Angelo
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
I'd like some raisin bread please, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view!
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?" "No," croaks the old man, "but it's a quiverin."
I'd like some raisin bread please, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view!
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?" "No," croaks the old man, "but it's a quiverin."
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 7,401
Likes: 1,104
From: Napa
A lady sitting next to a man on an airplane keeps sneezing, followed by a long sigh.
The man finally asks her "what's the matter with you?"
She replies "I have this thing, and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm".
He says "what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper", she replies.
The man finally asks her "what's the matter with you?"
She replies "I have this thing, and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm".
He says "what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper", she replies.
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,618
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From: Wilmington, NC
It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.
Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others,ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said yes he could.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others,ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said yes he could.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,618
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From: Wilmington, NC
ROMANCE DEFINED
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single m
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single m
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 45,172
Likes: 4,089
From: Arlington, VA
Rationale of children:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human being.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Mom, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead. "
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. "
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human being.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Mom, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead. "
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. "
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 179
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From: Cleveland
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they leave together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly Teddy bears; hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is mildly surprised that this guy would have this collection of teddy bears, but she decides not to bring it up at that time. She is quite impressed by his sensitivity.
She turns to him...suddenly they kiss... clothes flying off and they
make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, as they lay there together in the afterglow, the woman kisses him tenderly on the cheek and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The man says, "You can pick any prize from the bottom shelf."
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly Teddy bears; hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is mildly surprised that this guy would have this collection of teddy bears, but she decides not to bring it up at that time. She is quite impressed by his sensitivity.
She turns to him...suddenly they kiss... clothes flying off and they
make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, as they lay there together in the afterglow, the woman kisses him tenderly on the cheek and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The man says, "You can pick any prize from the bottom shelf."