There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly.
The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees.
When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately.
The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.
"I'm not sure, but I think she choked".

 

A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but the she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to.
Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says "No, my father said I don't have to do this."
Her husband says 'OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."

 

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot and ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts.
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock.
When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.
"What do you think?" the wife says.
"Uh, who the is Bob?" the husband replies.

 

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five pounds you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five pounds, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five pounds. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five pounds."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

 

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering...it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."

 

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

 

Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth," replied the devil. "What's your second question?"
"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the lawyers' clock?"
Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. "Oh, yes!" he finally exclaimed. "We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."

 

A lion and a mouse go into a bar to have a drink. There's a giraffe sitting at the next table, and the mouse says "Oh my god I'm in love, that is the most beautiful creature that I have ever seen. Look at her eye lashes"
The lion just says "why don't you go over and buy her a drink?"
The mouse replies " Oh I can't do that" though eventually after a few drinks, the mouse goes over and buys the giraffe a drink, and after a while they disappear together.
The next night the lion is in the bar drinking and the mouse comes in looking terrible and the lion asks "what's the matter, what happened??"
The mouse replies "Are you kidding, between screwing and kissing I must have run a thousand miles!"

 

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and made an appointment with a urologist. While his wife waited outside the physician examined him and explained that his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patients wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor and was told the diagnosis and the need for surgery. " How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches?" the doctor exclaimed
"Well yes , you are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

 

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh !"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke ?"
"No", replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the LOOKING or the THINKING ???"