My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

 

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

 

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough - there was 40 cents.

 

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

 

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich

 

A woman is sitting in a bar, wearing jeans and a tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm.
Just about every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night, and everyone in the bar notices her hairy armpits every time she raises her arm.
Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says blearily to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink".
The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
The drunk responds indignantly, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"

 

Junior, curious about some words he saw on the bathroom wall asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?"
Mom remained calm, showed him a picture of a cat and said, "That's a pussy, son. A pussy is a kitty cat."
"What's a bitch, then?" inquired the precocious little tyke.
Mom got the dictionary out and said, "See, the dictionary says a bitch is a female dog."
Not satisfied, he asked his father what a pussy was. Pops dutifully trotted out a girlie mag from his sock drawer, drew a circle around the genital region and said, "That's a pussy right there, son. And a fine specimen it is, too."
"Well, what's a bitch, then?" asked Junior.
"That's everything outside the circle."

 

Man goes to the doctor, "Doctor, my penis is orange. What can I do about it?"

Doctor scratches his head, says "I've never seen anything like it. Take these pills and come back in a week and see if there are any changes".

The guy comes back in a week, his dick is still orange.

Doctor says, "Let's see if we can figure out what is causing this. Tell me about your life-style".

Guy says "I'm single, live alone, just a normal type."

Doctor: "How do you spend your evenings?"

"I like to watch porn videos and eat Twistees. Why?"

 

Confucius say:

 

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which
the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"
Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you ers are alright."