A Radio interview I heard a year or two ago. An American and a UK journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American asked if we celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK.
"Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."
"Why then?"
"That's when they left."

 

When kids get the best of you...true story:
2. "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go *right now*, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"

 

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. Why was it that you saw his face at that time?"
"He was looking at us through the window."

 

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

 

12 Tips from Junior Employees to Senior Managers on: How to Enhance their Relationship:
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

 

{If you didn't hear, someone bit into a burger at McDonald's, and there was a condom (unused, but unwrapped) in it.}

"McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in the Big Mac"

As presented on the 22/08/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

1. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan".
2. Condom, condiment - what's the damn difference?
3. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe"
4. It was either there or in the vanilla shake.
5. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
6. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal".
7. So what -- a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
8. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"
9. Drive-thru speaker broken -- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device".
10. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.

 

Judi walked into the doctors office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound!
Judi said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, and first stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it, so I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud....."

 

The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions. Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."

 

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.
"One, you have not studied your lesson.
"Two, you have a dirty mind.
"And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

 

An Australian, an Englishman and an Irishman were all doing working on the Sky Tower in Auckland and had sat down to lunch.
"Crikey, Vegemite sandwiches again!" exclaimed the Aussie. "All I ever get is vegemite sandwiches, day after day. If I get Vegemite sandwiches again tomorrow I'll jump from this building."
"Jam sandwiches again!" yelled the pom. "All I ever get is jam sandwiches, day after day. If I get jam sandwiches again tomorrow I'll join you Aussie and jump as well."
"Cheese sandwiches again!" yelled the Irishman. "All I ever get is cheese sandwiches, day after day. If I get cheese sandwiches again tomorrow I'll join you two and jump as well."
Well the next day arrives and the three friends sit down to lunch.
The Aussie opened his lunchbox. "Vegemite again. Well, it was nice knowing you world" And the Aussie jumped
The pom opened his lunchbox. "Jam again. Well, it was nice knowing you world" And the pom jumped.
The Irishman opened his lunchbox. "Cheese again. Well, it was nice knowing you world." and he jumped to join his mates.
Now being three friends a triple funeral was held. At the wake the three widows got together to share their grief.
The aussies wife cried, "If I'd only known not to make him Vegemite Sandwiches."
The poms wife cried, "If I'd only known not to make him Jam Sandwiches."
The Irish wife cried, "It's a mystery to me, Paddy always made his own sandwiches!"