'I've had only one one-night stand in my life. He was a good-looking guy whom I met at a party, took home, and had so-so sex with. The next morning, I decided that, so as not to be dismissive, I would take him along to have brunch with some friends of mine before saying, "Thanks, I'll call sometime..." I sat down at the table and said, "This is, er...um." I just blanked completely. The poor guy was so embarrassed that, after about 10 minutes, he excused himself and left. By the way, his name was Mike.' --Sana, Teacher, 30

 

'On our first holiday together, we went to Mauritius where we had booked a room in a lovely hotel. On our first night there, we had cocktails and then went for a romantic stroll along the beach. When we came back, we lay down on one of the chaise lounges next to the pool. It seemed deserted and we started getting really steamy. I kept looking around to check that there was absolutely no-one there - and there wasn't. So we slipped out of our clothes and slid into the pool to see if it was possible to have sex under water. We were doing quite well with our experiment when suddenly, out of nowhere, a member of the hotel staff appeared and told us, very politely, that it was better to keep intimacy to our bedroom. The pool, he added, had an underwater window that made up one of the walls of the hotel's disco and we had been the floor show for all the guests who were dancing until they had seen us. I was so humiliated that I made my boyfriend check us out of the hotel first thing the next morning and I spent the rest of the holiday dreading the flight back in case anyone recognized us.' --Elana, Publisher, 32

 

'My husband and I, although devout Christians, enjoy a varied and experimental sex life. I don't think there's anything wrong with a little role-playing in the privacy of your marriage bed. We have quite a well-stocked cupboard of fantasy outfits: a little black and white frilly maid's outfit, an old-fashioned princess gown, a highwayman's outfit and some rather racy costumes - a bit of vinyl and leather too. A few months ago my mother-in-law came over one evening to baby-sit our one-year old and my sister's two daughters. While she was watching television, the girls, one eight and the other ten, decided to play "dress up" with the contents of Auntie Trina's cupboard. Imagine my horror when my husband, my sister, my Brother-In-Law and I arrived home to find the 10-year-old attired in a black corset with red lacy underwear and the eight-year-old dressed as an Egyptian slave-girl. My mother-in-law was even more horrified. She had no idea what was going on because the girls had been hiding in our bedroom waiting to "surprise" us - and they weren't disappointed! They had five open-mouthed adults staring at them in utter amazement. My sister was furious and still is, I'm afraid.' --Trina, Pharmacist, 27

 

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says,

 

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches...
They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further unimpressed-"I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy."
The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn-"Is this a road, or a track?" So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself- "Stupid grasshoppers!"

 

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to shag your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

Human "genius" at work:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

 

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker-now I can't get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries - it's a long walk."

 

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?