Hooters in computer speak:

Perfect Breasts
(o)(o)
Fake Silicone Breasts
( + )( + )
Perky Breasts
(*)(*)
Big Nipple Breasts
(@)(@)
A Cups
o o
D Cups
{ O }{ O }
Wonder Bra Breasts
(oYo)
Cold Breasts
( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided Breasts
(o)(O)
Pierced Nipple Breasts
(Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)

Grandma's Breasts
o / o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts
( )( )
Android Breasts
| o | | o |
Mammogram Breasts
___ ___

 

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked," Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf/sailing/ballooning/rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around sexually ?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"

 

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,

"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F***-UP!"

For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large.

In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f***-up!"

 

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.

The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

 

An Irish gent walks into a bar in Boston, orders three pints of Guiness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dublin, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Boston. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughes. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I'm just off the liquor."

 

I just bought a new state-of-the-art Sony car stereo.

When you shout out "Soul" it plays soul music.

When you shout out "Rock" it plays rock music.

Some kids ran in front of my car this morning and
I shouted "F**king kids!" and it played Michael Jackson music.

 

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".


"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.


Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?


The asshole is usually in charge.

 

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship, "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?

 

*Bringing this thread back to life*

Not to offend anyone, just remember, it's only a joke:

STATE OF OKLAHOMA DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION

Last name: ________________

(Check appropriate box)

First name: First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: ________________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A _ How many?

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

 

Excerpt from a recent live radio interview on one of the regional Welsh stations: A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a Youth club:

Interviewer: So, Mr Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?
Jones: We're going to teach them climbing, abseiling, canoeing, archery, shooting...
Interviewer: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?
Jones: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range.
Interviewer: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
Jones: I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.
Interviewer: But you