The Perfect Day - Him and Her

The Perfect Day - Her 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him 6:45 Alarm. 7:00 Shower and massage. 7:30 Blowjob. 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30 Blowjob. 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob Sleep

 

for a perfect day!!!

 

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $80,000.00, they concluded that the reason was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and at a cost of $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

 

An 86 year old man walks into a crowded hospital waiting room and approached the desk... The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There is something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said
The receptionist replied, "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. " The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There is something wrong with my ear," he said.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

 

Damn I like this a LOT!!!

 

There
is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo

toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.Well, Lena is
hired
at
The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day
promptly at

8:00 AM.The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel
Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins
to rant about the new

blonde employee. He complains that she is
incredibly slow and the whole
line
is backing up, putting the entire
production line behind schedule. The
Personnel Manager decides he should
see this for himself, so the 2 men
march
down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up
that
there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really
beginning to pile
up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by
mountains of Tickle
Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a
huge
bag of small
marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little

piece of
fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully
sew the

little package? between Elmo's legs.The Personnel Manager bursts into

laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together
and
approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able
to keep a
straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I
gave
you
yesterday...??? "Your job is to give Elmo two test
tickles."??

 

Blind Wal-Mart clerk

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark glasses.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10 lb test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00"
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
"I'll take it".
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops to the floor.
"Oh that sounds like a Master Card, " he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who broke wind. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?
He replies, "Yes Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

 

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here

 

Wow and I thought I was bad

 

Black testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult 4 hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Oh nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir.!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely....
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?"