"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

 

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE...




What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan





What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag




Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.



Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.




What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.



What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.





What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs





What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes




What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.






Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.






Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.





What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you






Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.






Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.





What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.






What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'






Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.






Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.





Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.



Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.




Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?

They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'




What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ...' -A southern fairytale begins
'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

 

A man boarded a plane and took a seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat next to him. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really? he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed of all men, while in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to posses that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I also discovered that the lover with the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method used to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the room and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said "How does it feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel a thing, What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

 

So I'm driving home from dinner last night with my wife, it's like 16 degrees out. Cold as hell. Icicles on your balls kind of cold. So anyways we're going around a slow corner and she spots a baby skunk lying on the side of the road. Being the animal lover she is, I get yelled at to pull over and help the little guy.
"Fine, I'll stop but you gotta get out and help it." I said. So she jumps out of the car and picks up this baby skunk. Poor little guy is half frozen but still alive. She says, "What should I do?" "Bring it in the car" I tell her and we'll warm him up."
So she gets in with the skunk and asks, "How should I keep him warm?"
I tell her "Put it between your legs."
She replies, "What about the smell?"
So I say, "Just hold his nose!"
The doctors expect I'll make a full recovery, but the skunk she used to beat me with died during the incident.

 

Gas price comparison

Gas Prices vs ?

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .


- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon


- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon


- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon


- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon


- Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon


- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon


- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon


- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon


- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon


- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon


- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

 

A middle aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy her.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young wife called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she coed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes , officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you are down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

 

Why English is tough to learn

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

Welcoming to America

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?

 

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle
East , I am not American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The African lady checks her watch and says..





























.."Probably at work."