WHAT I'M I?

You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?




































A Tent

 

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's bedside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining equipment, her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I have a confession to make before I go..I..I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."
"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one who poisoned you."

 

LOVE HANDLES

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore.

Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish."

"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television a lot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles."

"Your wish is my command," said the genie.

A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke, and her ears promptly fell off.

 

 

What do you call a fast food restaurant built by a Mexican and an African American?


Nacho Mama!!

 

this is old....but some are pretty funny.

If Men Ruled the World

1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
5. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
6. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
7. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
8. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
9. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
10. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
11. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
12. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
13. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
14. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
15. Garbage would take itself out.
16. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
17. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
18. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
19. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
20. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
21. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
22. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
23. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
24. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
25. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
26. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
27. The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
28. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
29. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
30. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

 

I would actually like that...

 

 

A young man was at a fancy restaurant one day with his new girlfriend. It's their first date and everything is going well, barring the occasional period of silence. The girlfriend goes to the restrooms and while she is away, the young man spots somebody at another table that looks incredibly like Bob Barker, the Price is Right guy. He decides to pop over and approach the guy.
"Excuse me," says the young man, "But you look like Bob Barker, I don't suppose..."
"Well," interrupts Bob, "actually, I am Bob Barker."
The young man is almost speechless, but does continue, "Look Bob, I think you are great. I've watched all your shows and blah, blah, blah, etc... could you do me a favor?"
"What ever you want," says Bob.
"Well, you see I'm at another table with my new girlfriend and it would really impress her if you would just come up to me and say, "Hello John."
"Sure, no problem" says Bob.
So John rushes back to his table and his girlfriend returns. A few moments later, over pops Bob to their table and goes up to John.
"Hi, John, how you doing?" says Bob.
John looks up and says, "Oh, piss off, Bob."

 

you would get a lot of proposals with that comment