One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said,

 

Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified...

"Only twenty years of normal sex life?" Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.

Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But, I don't need twenty years, "protested the monkey. "Ten years is plenty for me."

Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?" The monkey graciously agreed.

Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.

Again, man spoke up, "can I have the other ten years?" The lion graciously agreed.

Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"

And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

 

Things to Ponder

- Can you cry under water?

- When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

- How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

- Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

- Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Taxes?

- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?

- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

- Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

 

Chelsea Clinton asked a returning US Soldier about fear.

He said there were only 3 things he was afraid of:



Osama, Obama and Yo Mama.



-Kolar1

 

Bumper stickers 10

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

I'm just driving this way to get you mad.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

 

Dont mess with the little guy...

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

 

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:"7
Feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
Right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
Says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle
Weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is
Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

 

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....

 

I was walking down the street one day, when I was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need
to spend any money i get to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you Nuts!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair
done in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you any
money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband
tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked! "Won't your husband be furious for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."