JOKE OF THE DAY
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
There's nothing like true love....
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Registered User
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,185
Likes: 0
From: Miami FL
Jersey Girl
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a
different place: Idaho, Nebraska, Jersey, and Mexico.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling
potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of
looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from
her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Jersey .
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of
looking at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Jersey opened the car door and pushed the
Mexican out.
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a
different place: Idaho, Nebraska, Jersey, and Mexico.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling
potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of
looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from
her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Jersey .
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of
looking at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Jersey opened the car door and pushed the
Mexican out.
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,823
Likes: 1
A 17 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy
test.
The test is positive.
Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that
did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature
and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an
Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in
the living room with the father and the mother and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the
rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her
two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000
bank account." He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a
couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will
receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However..., if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You fu.ck her again, and fu.ck her good this time"
two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy
test.
The test is positive.
Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that
did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature
and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an
Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in
the living room with the father and the mother and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the
rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her
two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000
bank account." He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a
couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will
receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However..., if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You fu.ck her again, and fu.ck her good this time"
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Explanation of Common Tools:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, "YEOWW CRAPP...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Home owners primarily use it
to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need.
-centralcoastbuc
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, "YEOWW CRAPP...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Home owners primarily use it
to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need.
-centralcoastbuc
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,823
Likes: 1
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into
a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He
orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl
to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes
into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife;
Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes; He probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck.; If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates
you.This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill
us. Be strong, honey. I love you. To which his wife responds; He wasn't
kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,
thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him
it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!
a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He
orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl
to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes
into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife;
Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes; He probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck.; If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates
you.This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill
us. Be strong, honey. I love you. To which his wife responds; He wasn't
kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,
thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him
it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Let's talk...
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Top 15 Signs You've Been Out Of College Too Long
15- Your potted plants stay alive.
14- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
13- 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
12- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
10- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
9- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
8- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
7- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
6- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
5- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
4- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
3- A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
2- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
1- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
15- Your potted plants stay alive.
14- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
13- 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
12- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
10- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
9- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
8- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
7- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
6- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
5- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
4- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
3- A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
2- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
1- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
Registered User
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 487
Likes: 0
From: Miami
Originally Posted by SNL2000,May 30 2007, 07:15 AM
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:"7
Feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
Right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
Says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle
Weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is
Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!
HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:"7
Feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
Right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
Says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle
Weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is
Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.
