JOKE OF THE DAY
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 79
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From: Miami, Florida
Originally Posted by oscar_driver,Nov 3 2006, 08:59 AM
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 107
Likes: 1
From: Miami, FL
LONG.....BUT WORTH READING....ENJOY!!!
You HAVE to read all the comments to get the full "flavor"
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from New Jersey ... (maybe Teterboro)...
Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State
Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili
cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and
I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a
true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili
wouldn't
be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could Have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event.
*****
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra
beers when they saw the look on my face.
*****
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
*****
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear-waste I'm eating.
*****
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!
*****
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
******
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
*****
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending ... this is a nice blend chili, safe all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
You HAVE to read all the comments to get the full "flavor"
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from New Jersey ... (maybe Teterboro)...
Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State
Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili
cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and
I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a
true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili
wouldn't
be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could Have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event.
*****
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra
beers when they saw the look on my face.
*****
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
*****
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear-waste I'm eating.
*****
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!
*****
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
******
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
*****
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending ... this is a nice blend chili, safe all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 4,849
Likes: 1
From: Caribbean
Ok there is this gay couple who have a great relationship, they go out one night to have dinner together to celebrate their anniversary. As they are having dinner at a very fancy restaurant one of the guys says to the other, excuse me Im going to the bathroom. The other gay guy looks at him and says no jerking or beating the chicken in the bathroom all that is for me later right? They start laughing and he replies, of course its all for you 
. 2 minutes later the gay guy that stayed at the table follows to the bathroom to find as he opens the door that all the walls and mirrors are sprayed with sperm and he screams "WTF is this? I told you to save it for me" then a soft reply went "Im sorry I just farted" 
. 2 minutes later the gay guy that stayed at the table follows to the bathroom to find as he opens the door that all the walls and mirrors are sprayed with sperm and he screams "WTF is this? I told you to save it for me" then a soft reply went "Im sorry I just farted"
Sorry 
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Ladies and gentleman this is the shirt which will represent us the South Florida group!!! 
Wait, wait I'm not done yet here comes the punch line I'll be afraid to wear this shirt when I'm going to have sex with my wife......why you may ask.......She'll be pressing the red button to see if anything happens!!
Wait, wait I'm not done yet here comes the punch line I'll be afraid to wear this shirt when I'm going to have sex with my wife......why you may ask.......She'll be pressing the red button to see if anything happens!!