JOKE OF THE DAY
Registered User
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 2,256
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From: Miami
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's
arrival
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's
arrival
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper
Registered User
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 71
Likes: 0
From: SFL
SENIOR SEX
A Florida couple both well into their 80s, go to a sex Therapist's'
office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says: "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment; they have intercourse with no problems,
pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go
to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
A Florida couple both well into their 80s, go to a sex Therapist's'
office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says: "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment; they have intercourse with no problems,
pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go
to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Registered User
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 71
Likes: 0
From: SFL
Obsessions
>> >
>> >A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
>> >mothers and their small children.
>> >
>> >You all have obsessions," he observed.
>> >
>> >To the first mother, he said, You are obsessed with eating. You've even
>> >named your daughter Candy.
>> >
>> >He turned to the second Mom. Your obsession is with money. Again, it
>> >manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.
>> >
>> >He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
>> >manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.
>> >
>> >At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the
>> >hand and whispers "come on Dick, we're leaving."
>> >
>> >A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
>> >mothers and their small children.
>> >
>> >You all have obsessions," he observed.
>> >
>> >To the first mother, he said, You are obsessed with eating. You've even
>> >named your daughter Candy.
>> >
>> >He turned to the second Mom. Your obsession is with money. Again, it
>> >manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.
>> >
>> >He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
>> >manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.
>> >
>> >At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the
>> >hand and whispers "come on Dick, we're leaving."
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Since the superbowl is on sunday here's football joke
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and craps in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
-Julieu
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and craps in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
-Julieu
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "So much for your Fking canoe!"
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
Some last minute requests
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."
Registered User
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 71
Likes: 0
From: SFL
Subject: Prison Vs. WorkJust in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
@ PRISON
@ WORK
@you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
@you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle
@you get three meals a day fully paid for
@you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
@you get time off for good behavior
@you get more work for good behavior
@the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
@you can watch TV and play games
@you could get fired for watching TV and playing games
@you get your own toilet
@you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
@they allow your family and friends to visit
@you aren't even supposed to speak to your family
@all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
@you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
@you must deal with sadistic wardens
@ they are called managers
THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!
Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check forums.
Registered User
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 71
Likes: 0
From: SFL
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
3. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
4. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
5. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
6. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
7. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
8. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner.
9. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
10. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
15. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
16. Get out of shower.
17. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
18. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
19. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
************************************************** **********
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom.
3. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
4. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
5. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
6. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
12. Pee.
13. Rinse off and get out of shower.
14. Partially dry off.
15. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
19. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
20. Throw wet towel on bed.
******************************************
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you. !!!!
Have a great day! And, "woo woo"!!!
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
3. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
4. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
5. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
6. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
7. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
8. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner.
9. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
10. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
15. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
16. Get out of shower.
17. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
18. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
19. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
************************************************** **********
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom.
3. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
4. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
5. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
6. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
12. Pee.
13. Rinse off and get out of shower.
14. Partially dry off.
15. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
19. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
20. Throw wet towel on bed.
******************************************
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you. !!!!
Have a great day! And, "woo woo"!!!
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,193
Likes: 0
From: Miami/305
COMPUTER PROBLEMS
Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?
HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.
At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?
HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.
At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.