A religious man is in a tall building when his friend tells him that they must leave becuase a huge storm is on the way and there will be major flooding. The guy says that he is staying and that he is putting all faith in G-d. The storm begins and water raises to the first floor, so the man goes up to the second floor. A life raft comes and the guy on it says "come on i'll save you", the guy says no, G-d will help me. The water rises and so the guy goes to the fifth floor. A boat comes and the guy on the boat offers to help. The man says no because he has faith that G-d will save him. The water rises so much that the man is forced onto the roof. A helecopter comes and the pilot throws down a ladder and offers to help. The man once again refuses because of his Faith in G-d. The man dies in the flood. In heaven the man asks G-d, "why didnt you help me while i was in the building during the flood?" G-d says:"i sent you a life raft, boat and helecopter, what els do you need!!!"
:-)

 

OK...let me see what I can find today...Aha! Love this one!

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss
Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure ALMOND
JOY! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling
my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, Be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Watchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ~O~ Honey?"
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was too!)

She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the ThreeMusketeers!" As I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good ~N~ Plenty, when all of a sudden... My Starburst! Yeah,as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, 9 months later, out popped...... Baby Ruth!

 

OK, guys...no hate mail please!


The Truth About Men

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
*****
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
****
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
*****
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
*****
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
*****
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
*****
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
*****
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
*****
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
*****
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
*****
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
****
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married Women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
*****
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
*****
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
*****
What did God say after creating Adam?
"I must be able to do better than that. "
*****
What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

 

Back at ya Deb!

What Women Really Mean When They Say:

"We need to talk"
Translation- "I need to complain"

"I'm not upset"
Translation- "Of course I'm upset, you moron".

"You're so...manly"
Translation- "You need a shave and a shower"

"Be romantic, turn out the lights"
Translation- "I have flabby thighs"

"Size doesn't matter"
Translation- G-U-L-L-I-B-L-E

"The kitchen is so inconvenient"
Translation - "I want a new house"

"Hang the picture there"
Translation - "No, I mean hang it there"

"I heard a noise"
Translation - "I noticed you were almost asleep"

"Do you love me?"
Translation - "I'm thinking about buying something really expensive"

"How much do you love me?"
Translation - "I did something today you're really not going to like"

"You have to learn to communicate"
Translation- "Just agree with me"

"Are you listening to me?"
Translation- "Too late mister, you're dead"

"Do you like this recipe?"
Translation - "It's easy to make so you'd better get used to it"

"I'm not yelling"
Translation - "Of course I'm yelling...this is important"

"It's your decision"
Translation - "The correct decision should be obvious to you too, by now"

"Do what you want"
Translation - "You'll pay for this later"

"Whatever"
Translation- "You'll pay for this later"

"Fine"
Translation- "You'll pay for this later"

 

Hmmm...let's see what's new for today.

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the
first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.
"O.K." said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,
"I love baskin' robins."

 

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is everything!

 

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes to top off the look.

The old man just stared at him. With an attitude, the boy asked, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

To that the old man answered, "Well, yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot, and I was just wondering if you were my son!"

 

Last one for today...Enjoy!

THE IRATE CUSTOMER

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

 

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis you firs time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly)for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want ...... numba 69"
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries.............."You want... Beef wif Broccori?"

 

Little Johnny Again!

A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was "fascinated".

The teacher said, "well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, " My sister Denise has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."